The Secrets of the Secret Place – Vol 1

This is a new blog from “Angie.” She is a friend whose journal she has allowed me to read from time to time. I asked her if it’d be OK if I started posting some of these on our blog as their transparency touched my heart. I hope they speak to yours as well.

Lord, I’ve been so bad, but I want to live in your presence and sense Your will and who you are. You are enough. Help me to see and feel this. Let me let go completely of what I want – husband, family around me. You are my husband. You are my family. I need nothing more. Create in me a clean heart. Let me see your face, your face do I seek. You alone are holy and good. Your presence is like honey and wine, so good and pure. Let me see your glory and no one else’s. Let me be satisfied in your glory alone. Nothing else satisfies. It all falls short. Thank you for your true goodness. Fill me with who you are. If I’m doing something wrong, show me and stop it. Put in my heart, your desires, take away anything in my heart that is contrary to your will, or that’s making me unhappy. I want to desire you alone. Alone – separate apart, isolated, exclusion of all others, unique, and equal and unparalleled, exclusively, solitary. Me alone, equals you alone.

Take away my fear of abandonment – leaving a person or a thing, permanently and completely, discontinuing activity.

Abandonment also means – giving up control of something, or a yielding to a spiritual force. – God. I know you’re for me; the devil can tell me otherwise. Please continue to fight for my sanity and stability. I want to be abandoned to you. Abandoned by people equals abandoned to God. You – source of all joy. I don’t understand anything in the world, but I understand who God is – good, moral, excellent, virtuous, righteous, pious, right, proper, kind honorable, worthy, sound, safe, genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, excellent, healthy, cheerful, optimistic, intimate, warm, sufficient, skillful, clever, full and loyal.

Father, I felt so close to you yesterday. I’m not as up. I’m down. Protect me, provide for me, hold me up. I’m scared about school since I got reprimanded for letting kids have their phones. I was already struggling, now I’m more insecure. Help me, God, know where I belong. I have no safety or home here anymore. You are my only protection. I feel like I’m just searching with a haze over my eyes, blind, not knowing where I’m going. Just trying to trust that you know and you mean good for me. I’m so ready to go home, but if you’re not ready for me, I’ll keep searching in the dark, looking for good. Is there any good left? Or is my only good to cling to you in the dark? If it is, I trust you, you know, I don’t. I will follow you until the end no matter how painful.

God says:

I got you through so much and I’ll get you through this. Release your anger to me. I understand how you feel. I would rather your tears than your anger. Trust me. I will help you through until the end. Comfort others. Let me comfort you. The disciples died, horrible deaths. Brainard was depressed and died, Cooper was depressed his whole life and died. Some are not going to have easy and have good lives, in human terms. You don’t even have to be a good influence on others for me. Just that you’re still following is enough testimony. I know how you’re suffering even if others don’t. You aren’t perfect but you don’t have to be perfect to earn my love, neither do your kids. Love is patient in people’s  lives. It’s about loving people for who they are, and not how they act or feel. You could be so angry until you die and still I would still love you so much. Your mother only loved you if you were doing good and you’re doing the same thing to your children. I love you no matter how you act. I died for this anger you have. You are perfect in my eyes even if you’re unhappy  every day until you die. I will come running and hug you like a father would. Your children have lost a father, don’t let them completely lose a mother because of their acting out. You need to act like me. Show them me. How would I act? (You told the prostitute to go and send no more.) Yes, but I loved her, no matter what. I understood what drove her to prostitution. You don’t know their make up and how they suffer, like I do. You only see your suffering. Give me the anger and disappointment now. Take what I’ve given you in your life GLADLY. Give it all to me. Release expectations for a family and husband. Don’t let not having these ruin your life. Even if you do, I still love you perfectly, and only see what Christ did. Even if you do fear for your children, have anger about life, are lonely, don’t like the kids at school or handle them right, have headaches, are tired, feel uncared for, think of dying, don’t want to be around people, give up trying-I STILL LOVE YOU, with an everlasting love.