Seeing as how I used to be a singles pastor, I thought that I would give you some of the tips that I gave my singles on how NOT to lure the right one to your side. (Thanks to Carrie for her help!)

20. “I am not overweight. The word ‘glory’ in Hebrew is kabod which according to HALOT literally means ‘heaviness.’ The Bible also says that we are to reflect God’s glory. Therefore, I am just doing what the Bible says.”

19. “Looking at you makes me reconsider preterism, because you are heaven on earth.”

18. “Paul said that it was better to marry than to burn. Therefore, I am under God’s mandate to marry you.”

17. “Here, let me take care of those tithes.” 

16. “You may not have chosen me, but I have chosen you.”

15. “I could not help but notice you were exegeting me instead of the text during the sermon.”

14. “Your name must be grace, because you are irresistible.”

13. “There are six things that motivate me to talk to you, yea seven that turned my head.”

12. “Until this moment, I thought I had the gift of singleness.”

11. During communion say, “Can I get you another drink.”

10. “The Bible says that God is not concerned with outer appearance . . . neither should you.”

9. “The Good Book said that I might be visited by angels unaware, but something must be wrong with my interpretation, because I am perfectly aware of you.”

8. “I noticed you crying during alter call, can I help?”

7. While giving her a TULIP say, “This Totally depraved person has been Unconditionally drawn to you, Limiting himself to your Irresistible beauty that is Persevering beyond all others.”

6.  “God may be the bread of life, but you are the butter.”

5. “The sight of you leaves me apophatic.”

4. “Well, gouge out my eyes and cut off my hands. If I hang around you much longer, I won’t have any limbs left.”

3. “You must have missed the Fall line, because you are lookin’ righteous.”

2. Sing this to the tune of George Strait’s “Chair”: “Excuse me, but I think you’ve got my rib.”

1. “Are you homo or homoi?”

C Michael Patton
C Michael Patton

C. Michael Patton is the primary contributor to the Parchment and Pen/Credo Blog. He has been in ministry for nearly twenty years as a pastor, author, speaker, and blogger. Find him on Patreon Th.M. Dallas Theological Seminary (2001), president of Credo House Ministries and Credo Courses, author of Now that I'm a Christian (Crossway, 2014) Increase My Faith (Credo House, 2011), and The Theology Program (Reclaiming the Mind Ministries, 2001-2006), host of Theology Unplugged, and primary blogger here at Parchment and Pen. But, most importantly, husband to a beautiful wife and father to four awesome children. Michael is available for speaking engagements. Join his Patreon and support his ministry

    16 replies to "Top Twenty Theological Pick-up Lines NOT to use"

    • richards

      Is this some kind of a joke? My wife didn’t fall for a single one of these. None of them work.

    • Nate

      That was great!

    • ChadS

      To paraphrase John Wesley: “When I saw you I felt my heart strangely warmed.”


    • […] Michael Patton has a list of Top Twenty Theological Pick-up Lines NOT to Use.  My favorites: “Until this moment, I thought I had the gift of singleness,” and […]

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    • Pensees

      Funny Advice for Singles

      There is one group of believers in the Body of Christ that I thoroughly enjoy: singles. Obviously, many of them are very interested in changing their status from singles to marrieds, and I can understand that. Since many of my…

    • […] THEOLOGICAL PICK UP LINES – DONT TRY THIS Kudos to Parchment and Pen blog who came up with 20 top theologically-themed pick up lines. I liked 10 of them and ranked them to […]

    • tecigurl

      hahaha! will definitely pass those on to my single churchmate friends 😀 (hopefully some of us will get the more technical terms as we’re enrolled in a leadership class…) but right now i’m too lazy to look up “apophatic” and other such terms :p God bless y’all! ^_^

    • Bill

      How about this sleazy one…

      “God says that my body is a temple…feel free to worship”

    • […] 21, 2007 C. Michael Patton at Parchment and Pen posted these 20 Theological Pickup Lines NOT to Use.  I thought they were […]

    • davidbmc

      s/b altar, not alter.


    • RickGTTP


      It hurts!!

      Make it stop!!!


    • Carl D'Agostino

      Sure is wonderful to have a little humor and laugh at ourselves in good taste and hope the grumpy old guys get sent to comedy school instead of heaven or …. But shall we love our neighbor’s wife or not covet our neighbor’s wife? I like the NT approach.

    • Chuck

      A girlfriend of days gone by used to tell me her favorite verse of the Bible was – “If any man will come after me, let him….”

      She didn’t stay single for long. 🙂

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