It is another one of those posts. You know, the ones I should no be writing but write anyway.
It is a very dark time in my life. I don’t know how else to describe it. About three or four weeks ago I changed. I don’t know how to describe this to you. Either I attempt to comfort you and preempt any sorrow by saying it is not really that bad and understate my circumstance, or I catalogue my thoughts to you with the possibility of misunderstanding and dread. All I can say is that I have had some sort of mental breakdown. My strength is gone. Depression? Certainly. Anxiety? Definitely. Fighting with the Lord? Most assuredly. All I know is that I broke a few weeks ago and I don’t know how to fix myself. All of the advice that I have given to broken people over the years is now pointed back at me and I realize how empty it can be.
Why? I don’t know. I wish I did. I have spent the last few weeks obsessing with how to get “me” back. I have analyzed every possible turn. God seems to have gone AWOL and I can’t get in touch with him other than through the cold hard facts. Facts are facts. They are nice, but I am coming to realize how much I need his presence in other ways. He has not been seen in this neck of the woods in quit some time. I am trying to reevaluate my expectations, but that is easier said than done. It is like when someone you love and have grown so used to has disappeared and you have everyone out looking for him but no one knows what happened. Fear sets in and every possible bad thing that could have happened becomes a valid option.
Lord, I guess I need to experience you. I need to see you. Maybe not physically, but like you used to. Things were going so well on so many fronts. My family was strong and they were all following you. Now everyone that I loved so dearly and saw you in is either dead, mentally incapacitated, doubting, or depressed. Some have three of the four. It is so dark at mom’s house. It used to be so wonderful. You were there. And my ministry: it was a joy I turned to so often and found you when you were gone in other places. For years you had surprise moves that energized my spirit with your presence. Now you have left the building here as well. I have come to the point where I am timid and insecure. The mandate that I had is gone. I am exhausted. Completely exhausted. I still have no lack for ideas, I simply lack your blessing? I don’t know.
Lord, it is lonely without you. I know, I know. You are really there. You are in other things I am not seeing. I know you are teaching me something. But I don’t really want to learn this anymore. I am sorry, but if you take your presence away from me, what do you expect? I am so tired and I don’t know how to function in this environment. Can’t I learn it with you in the room?
I think I have cried more times in the last few weeks then I have in my entire life. My poor wife does not know what to do.
To my readers: I ask for your prayers. I don’t know what it is like any longer to mount up on wings like eagles. I don’t know what the peace that passes understanding is anymore. I have the opposite and it does not seem to be going away any time soon. It is taking its toll on everyone I know and I understand why. I was the stable one. I was the one who demonstrated what faith in Christ could get you through. I was the one that set an example. I always had hope. Now I am a leper of sadness and hopelessness. I don’t know what I am asking for prayer for. I just want to be back to “normal.” I have been to see my counselor and have some rocks who are remaining stable. Please know that I am not going through this alone. Yet it is still so dark. I do ask you to talk to God about this on my behalf. As the Lord hangs on to me at this time, pray that he pulls me out of this pit. I do know I will get through this, but I need your prayers so much. I am broken.