Broken

I pray that you will experience Him whom you’ve known in the past, and that you will recognize Him, though his touch may not be as it was in the past.

Thanks for sharing this, Michael.

May God’s spiritual blessings abound in your very near future…

All of the advice that I have given to broken people over the years is now pointed back at me and I realize how empty it can be.

Same thing happened to me two years ago in the autumn [my soul was completely numb and my heart was completely hardened: I was totally dead inside]: and I tried remembering all the things which I knew to theoretically help in such (until then unknown) situations, yet they couldn’t help. — Until they (finally!) did.

Depression has the following few causes:

— exhaustion;
— addiction(s);
— guilt & a troubled conscience;

In my case, it was all three things, but most especially #2: I was, and still am, a slave of passions. What got me out of it was a succession of the following things:

— reaching out to my family, especially my mother: she constantly prayed with me, and for me, and she was there for me, and this helped me a lot. (the sole fact of sharing my burdain with someone else, and not being physically alone, and spending time together with her and with God in prayer)

— confession to a psychiatrist: there was a burden I wanted to lift up from my soul, so I spared no detail, and abandoned all shame and pride.

— prayer, serious prayer, heart-felt prayer, lengthy prayer. Prayer of sorrow and of regret, cleansing the heart, but also, at the same time, constantly asking God to help me and strengthen me.

— confronting my passions and inner demons head-on, honestly, with an eye to God’s grace and power and cleansing-power and strength. — my passion came to battle me during prayer no less, but I resisted it, and it made me feel alive again, and I felt (I don’t know how else to express this:) I felt like I had returned back into myself again (by crying out powerfully in my mind to God during prayer and asking him for His help while at the same time opposing the passion and fighting it). — “From the depths I cried unto the Lord, and the Lord heard me!” — And I was delivered!

I know this place because I live here now.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be allowed to move back to my “normal” way of being–lighthearted and full of upbeat “answers”–in this lifetime. I’ve had to admit the very same thing–I am BROKEN. I live in a BROKEN world with other BROKEN people. It’s hard! I’m sad. I’m tired–sometimes exhausted. I’m so unsure about things I once “knew.” I’ve let go of so many assumptions that kept me feeling “safe.” I have come to believe that “safety” is a myth. We are born into a world at war, and I am another wounded soldier. I will likely walk with a limp for the rest of my time on earth.

But I love the Lord. I love Him!

What does He “owe” me that He has not already provided or promised to provide? NOTHING. He has redeemed my life. He has given me purpose and the promise of an inheritance. He has allowed me to be His partner in His redemptive plan for the world. He is preparing a place for me and will come to get me when it’s ready. I am comforted by these things.

Meanwhile, I am thankful that He has compassion on my weakness, my brokenness–that He remembers that I am “dust.” He really doesn’t expect that I’ll have it all together, so I can release that expectation for myself.

I am encouraged by the Big Picture. This part of my life is very, very short compared to eternity! With a lesson I learned from childbirth, I realize that I can endure anything that is temporary. Even if things do NOT “get better,” even if continue to live with the recognition of this brokenness, even if I feel the dis-integration between what IS and what SHOULD BE, it’s OK. (I say that to myself a lot!) This is NOT all there is. Things will be set straight in Heaven. Be a conduit of grace until then, I think.

None of this makes things the way they “were,” but it helps me deal with the way things ARE. God bless you!

… I can’t say that it happened instantly, because Orthodox prayers are up to two hours long… all I know is that when I knelt to begin saying the prayers (with my mother: she read the psalms and I listened) I was still under the same state in which I found myself for two or three months… and when I rose up from the prayers after finishing them, I was myself again, as if I came back into myself after a long trip. I was delivered! “I cried unto the Lord, and the Lord heard me!” — The key was to start living in the present moment, with no thoughts of inevitable future failures. (“What’s the point of fighting temptations anyway, when you know that you’re gonna inevitably succumb to them a few days later anyway, and all you can do is only delay them, and failure and defeat are ultimately unavoidable?” — this was the thought with which the enemy attacked me). My response to these thoughts: “No reason, I just do it for fun, to piss you off, and to know that I’m still myself, and after I’ll fall, I’m gonna rise up again, (for no practical or pragmatical reason whatsoever), just to piss you off once more!”. On the outside I’m still the same sinner (well, not quite, since both the frequency and intensity of my sin were reduced), but something inside me has changed: I matter again. I’m not just a wooden wreck of some long-sunk ship, which the waves of the sea carry pointlessly from here to there, against its will, if it has any will left in it: sins and passions and addictions depersonalize the human being; fighting against them makes us persons again, it givers life to our will and conscience and self.

There’s also something else I did: altruistically loving another person, another human being: an old gypsy lady, a beggar: daily I would fix her something to give her (some money, some food, etc) — it helped me (my soul, as it were) stay in myself and fight off the depersonalization brought in by sins and passions.

God is a Trinity;…

God is a Trinity; God is Love — God Himself is a plurality of Persons living together in perfect, altruistic, self-giving Love: and we’re God’s image. — So why try to find happiness in something else than the very things in which God Himself finds pleasure? Wouldn’t that be at least odd? I.e., to think that there are things more important than the ones in which God Himself delights?

My advises to you? :

— Don’t stay up after midnight, or at least try to be in bed by 1 AM at most, and take a small 10-15 min. break when feeling tired.

— Find someone to listen to you, and in front of whom you could literally pour your heart out; and someone to be actually physically present with you for most of the day. (very-close-friend or collegue or family-member; psychologist, pastor, etc). — Just the simple fact of having someone physically present with you is so relieving and reasssuring, and so is having someone to actually listen to you while you just unburden your soul in front of him…

— Seek profesional help from a serious psychologist, but don’t just simply rely only on pills to get the whole job of curing you done: you got yourself into this mess without pills, so you should seek into yourself to see how you get out of it (take pills if prescribed, but don’t simply let them take care of everything: you must do your part of prayer and self-analysis and confession also).

(Hey, it worked for me, it will work for you! Just hang in there: you really have no idea how well patience works, but it really does, just don’t lose hope!)

Take care and God bless! +

A very smart man once told me that in life you’re either coming out of or entering into a wilderness. See you on the other side.

I don’t know you well enough to give any sort of advice whatsoever. But I have been in very dark places along my way. Things that have helped me when I’m stumbling through the raging dark:

Trusting God Even When Life Hurts by Jerry Bridges

Depression, A Stubborn Darkness (Light for the Path) by Ed Welch

“The LORD will judge his people and have compassion on his servants when he sees their strength is gone and no one is left, slave or free. He will say: ‘Now where are their gods, the rock they took refuge in, the gods who ate the fat of their sacrifices and drank the wine of their drink offerings? Let them rise up to help you! Let them give you shelter! See now that I myself am He! There is no god besides me. I put to death and I bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of my hand.'” – Deut. 32:36-39

Job

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” –Psalm 34:18

Psalm 69

Psalm 88

Psalm 142

Most of the latter part of Isaiah, especially 46:4: “Even to your old age I am he, and to grey hairs I will carry you. I have made, and I will bear; I will carry and will save.”

Jeremiah 31

Lamentations, especially 3:31-33: “For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.”

Hosea

1 Peter

Aside from things to read…it’s hard sometimes when things are particularly dark, but it’s often helpful to go do something – anything you would ordinarily enjoy that will help you not think about the darkness for a little while. For me that’s usually reading a good novel, because I’m a pretty bookish sort of person. But I’m a firm believer in a moderate amount of escapism. Too much running from your problems doesn’t help, of course. But a little time away from what’s bothering me has helped me be…

There’s one thing a non-existent (or dead) person can’t do: that is, to love someone.

Gaining scientific knowledge of the Universe? The Universe can exist very well without us. And so can theological or philosophical or scientifical systems… but persons can’t truly exist if they don’t love. (If they’re not loved? It’s hard, but it’s not impossible). But if you don’t exist, you can’t love, and THAT’s a tragedy! So, exist in order to love, truly, altruistically, your wife, your neighbour, or a complete stranger to whom you show love, or mercy, or help for a few moments or minutes of your life… that’s the fundamental purpose of life and existence.

Again: Take care, and God bless! +

(Last one, I promise! 🙂 Bye!)

May God’s Spirit fill you with His joy once again.
As this dark time is overwhelming you, understand that you have not only His care, but the care of so many of us.

God Bless,
JJ

Michael, thanks for bringing the issue of depression among Christians out into the open and for being so transparent.
I’ve been a mental health physician for 27 years and dealt primarily with Christians. Here are some of my observations of how and why depression affects Christians in a unique way. You are experiencing this now.

Compared to non Christians, we have far more shame and self condemnation which makes our suffering actually worse.

Depression wipes out our devotional life and makes God seem so far away. It’s because in depression, you can’t shut your mind off from the negative thoughts so you can’t concentrate.
Without concentration you can’t read the Bible, pray or worship. That makes God seem unreachable. Neither you nor God have moved but your ability to connect to him has been effected by depression. It’s like your spiritual antenna is pointing at the ground instead of the sky. With medical treatment, your serotonin levels can be corrected, your mind then clears, concentration is restored and God reappears.

So you are experiencing the symptoms of clinical depression which is very correctable and you will return to a normal life and an even stronger relationship with God. I’ve seen this over and over.
I want to encourage you that this is a winnable war. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions. Praying for your speedy recovery.

EricW,

I just watched Tommy Nelson’s chapel speech on depression (Lucian you should watch it too). One thing he addressed, about how other Christians treat depression, really struck me how we can look at depression and otherwise dark nights of the soul as weakness. I suppose especially for men. But it takes a strong man to admit when he is weak. The strength is not in bucking up and overcoming it but recognizing that you can’t. Oh how we have to do better in the body of Christ of suffering when others suffer instead of throwing stones at them. I can only hope that this baring can allow other Christians to come out from the corners and say, “me too”.

Thank you for your honesty, Michael.

There are many of us who know all too well that the words spoken to us during this time can feel so hollow to the person surrounded by this particular darkness.

You may not understand this right now, but in your honesty about your struggling here, you’re ministering to me, and I suspect many others.

I’ll keep you in my prayers.

Michael,

Three thoughts from an agnostic:

(1) I don’t know whether everyone has a God shaped hole in their lives that cannot be filled by anything else. I do not that some people have a Prozac (or anti-depressant) shaped hole in their lives.

(2) If someone you loved was going through a similar situation, would you be as hard on them as you are on yourself? Treat yourself as someone you love and give yourself a break.

(3) Not feeling God’s presence is painful, but it is not fatal. Making the most of the world you can see without worrying about one you can’t has its own rewards.

I’m praying for you. I have gone through 2 dark periods of my Christian life, one lasting several years. The difference is, I didn’t tell anyone and so missed out on help from my friends. Thanks for sharing with us.

Your cry was heard across the pacific. G’day from Down Under!

I maintain that a public display of desperation is a sign of strength not weakness, despite the flak you copped on recent posts about your confessions being selfish, attention-seeking and narcissistic. This is no time to keep appearances, when you drown you don’t care about your hairstyle!

I’ve been reading your posts for almost a year now and lately it seemed that something was up though I couldn’t put my finger on it. The death of your friend Mere was perhaps the most revealing of your condition. I followed your journey; your sister’s death, your mother’s condition, your son’s health scare last year, your house that can’t sell, your ministry’s financial challenges, and lately the death of two of your closest friends.

Ironically, your last few posts have been absolute gems (my opinion). I’m enjoying nearly everything you write (though I’m not a Calvinist) and I admire your knowledge and intellect and at times I wish I only had half of it. Because of this ‘underdog complex’ I avoid posting comments so as to ‘not mess’ with theological heavyweights of your caliber.

Lately though your writing had another dimension to it. It reminded me of an old fella I knew who loved the old (really old) style hymns. When I asked him why, he said ‘because they were written by people who suffered’. I’m not about to make a theological case out of this, but I seriously doubt that the Psalms would be so effective if they were written by someone who romantisized hardship but never lived it.

(Reached the character limit – follow up post below)

(cont…)

As a post-Pentecostal I had grown weary of hearing ‘testimonies’ of Christians with multiple forms of suffering who had allowed their subjective experiences to shape their theology. Though their experiences were genuine, their interpretations of them were often a quagmire of confusing assumptions.

On the flip side I am equally bored by theological aristocrats flaunting their exegetical sophistication without having experienced a day of serious suffering in their lives. Quite frankly they don’t command my full respect. When the gospel is reduced to a lofty academic discourse, something is missing! It’s not 3 dimensional, if anything it’s a little flat!

But on the rare occasion when you come across a formidable theological intellect that has been tampered by suffering, you call it Michael Patton. Then you get the proper ratio, a good mix of mind and heart. In closing, it would be pointless mouthing off platitudes and recycled clichés you’ve heard a million times. My only ‘word of encouragement’ to you is that I will be joining the band of brothers (and sisters) who are now praying for you.

Take courage my precious brother!

Michael,

Some years back when I dealt with a similar situation, I had no idea that so many other Christians have gone through something like it. It has been good for me to read the comments by all of these others who have been there or are going through it now simply because I know that what happened to me was not that rare a thing. Not that I am glad at all that any of you are struggling at this time. I feel for each one that is struggling now because I know the pain.

But there is something about knowing that you are not the only one that has had such an experience. The isolation of thinking you are all alone in a struggle makes it that much more unbearable. I don’t remember anyone around me letting me know that other Christians struggle in this way too. I think just knowing that would of been very helpful. Both with the depression and the doubt you talked about in your recent article. For me they very much went together and I just didn’t know how common it can be to all of us that call Him Savior and Lord.

Thank you for trusting us all enough to share your pain with us and asking for our prayers. I hope that it will not only be a comfort to you to know that you are not alone, I hope the rest of those that have shared their struggles here will take courage in the fact that they are not alone either.

so sad, praying for you Michael….

Michael,

Thank you for your honesty and sincerity. You are in my prayers.

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through this. I have been to the place where I felt I could not take any more and God did not remove the struggles but He brought me through them. I am praying He will do the same for you.

Michael, I have an old etching in my study of a monk with his head on the shoulder of Jesus. In German the caption is simply “the compassion of Christ”. Do rest your head on him and also know that I too am joining so many others in praying for your strength in Him to return.

@Ken – Thanks for sharing that Lewis quote; I love it!

Michael, I have been following your last several posts with deep interest. Our church has been doing a series about owning up to our problems and doing something about them. It has involved despairing over imperfections (saying that nicely). I just preached a sermon last week about it in which the Lord called me to bear my heart and soul to the church about past sins and present problems. It was a church wide call to be cleansed. The good part was the sharing about the miracles of soul and body healings that God has done and continues to do in our lives. But these things come with a cost. We have to “come clean” with God and pray for each other to be healed. There is a purpose to it all. God’s work needs to be done. There is work enough for all of us.

I suspect and hope that God does not want you “back to normal”. Rather, God may want to do something new in you. Like all things that are new, birthing requires travail, labor and pain.

My travail in the past few weeks was in days spent in prayer, and much fasting. Fasting is difficult for me medically, so I must do it in pieces. It is an excellent way for me to hear God when it is difficult to hear Him.

I’ve been thinking and praying about you casually, because of the posts you’ve written lately. Now I will pray about you more deliberately. I believe your travail will come to an end, when you hear what God is trying to speak to you. And I believe and hope that there will be much good come out of this.

blessings….

Separation is very difficult to handle and is depressing because there is no way to fix it.

I’ll be praying. God will continue being with you – it only feels like he’s not.

Michael, you are our brother. We have become a community. We all learn and grow from you….. and now we hurt and pray for you. You are dear to us even if we have not been able to shake your hand nor give you a hug. I’m giving you a virtual hug now. I will keep you in my prayers.

Matthew 17:21 (King James Version)

21Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting.

blessings

one small way to help with depression or depression-like feelings is to do group-activities that you have previously enjoyed doing. (But not the activities that caused the issues)

I must share this story as I know Michael is very close to Chuck Swindoll, and I think he would appreciate it under the circumstances he is presently going through.

In my poor years, I was a big fan of second hand book stores, since I love to read. Years ago, I happened across Chuck Swindoll’s wonderful book, called “Seasons of the Heart”. About half way through it, written at the bottom of one of the stories was a sentence in very wavery handwriting, as if written by someone very elderly or very sick. It said simply : “I am so alone.”

It shook me so terribly, thinking that someone was crying out for help and had no one, that I went back to the book store and asked the lady if she could track who traded the book in. She was unsuccessful. So I called my prayer group and every day for years we prayed for this person, unknown to us, but known to God for Him to bring caring people around this obviously hurting soul. We will never know the end of this story until we get to heaven probably, but I have never forgotten that cries for help are heard in many different ways that we are probably never even aware of, and it makes me all the more aware of how vulnerable we all are.

I pray that you get well soon , Michael, my friend.

God bless.

I have suffered in ways very similar to what you share. There is a prayer I pray when times look bleak…
To You, O Lord , I call;
My rock, do not be deaf to me,
For if You are silent to me,
I will become like those who go down to the pit.
….
I beg God. I am pleading God to cause you to hear Him again soon! I have just recently been struggling with things and God used your blog as a means to keep me on the road. I’m sure you know this, but satans sifting is Gods strengthening. In times of depression i run to Jesus…mentally, I cling to the resurrected LORD. He’s all I have. And I beg Him to speak to me for I can’t live by bread alone, but by the words from the mouth of God. I don’t know you well, bro, but I am praying for you. It seems like all I can say are futile words, but may God use them as He pleases.

I can not say that I know how you feel, because I don’t think I can possibly know that. I can only know that your words written here resonate with me. They feel like words I could have written many times. And I do not want to give any empty advice or words. I don’t know that there is anything I could to offer healing.

I wish I knew you, so I could simply offer an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on.

I have had a lot of suffering over the last few years — and I generally didn’t want to hear things like “God has a plan” or “this will work out” or anything like that. I just wanted someone to understand my pain and acknowledge it was real.

Well I acknowledge yours. I’m sorry. I hope things get better soon. I will pray for you…

“In gratitude, Lord Jesus for having you to come to – in lifting this plea to our Father, I pray …. this gift of a man you have blessed so many with, break our hearts for what breaks yours, on his behalf. Provide dear Lord, a renewed sense of clarity to him, about your grace, within his family, his ministry, and those he loves. I KNOW precious Lord that your wisdom allows this darkness only for the purpose of your ultimate glory. I implore you to “drive” him to worship while he waits. Allow us to pray him through this time, with prayers that are an aroma of praise to you. Let this time of darkness be transformed as you transform him, to one of new fervor for your kingdom. Let it be soon. Savior, only you understand the intricacies of this time for him. I pray for your will to be done in a mighty way that only YOU are capable of. I am anticipating the glory that will be brought to you from this. May it be so. Use this Lord God, to take us all into deeper submission to you, to intentional pursuit of your Word, and in renewed ways to proclaim your truth to those you have given us. Yes Lord, I pray for his healing. I pray for you to shift this quickly into an experience that can be recalled as one he cherishes profoundly, because of what YOU intended to use it for. You can do this! And my prayer comes to you from a spirit that longs for your work to be done now! Yes, to ease his discomfort, certainly to allow those he loves to be impacted anew by your power and truth – but more to propel this readership into action that is intentional about telling others about the reality of darkness, brokenness and the beauty of the balm only you can apply. How amazed I am Lord Jesus, that you chose me and this special man to both know you and cross paths via this blog. Only you God could do such a thing. You are beautiful, perfect, powerful, wise and available. I trust in your promise to hang on to him very deliberately – in ways only you know he will see…

Praying for you. Just keep calling to Him. Wordlessly, even. Just groan for Him in your heart.

Hi Michael,

It’s difficult to not speak in this electronic age and yet be present with you. Job’s friends were able to do that for the first few days, probably the most helpful time they gave him. I wish I could do the same.

Were we geographically nearer I’d offer to walk with you somewhere; I can’t, so please accept this as it’s meant – no words, wisdom or advice – just a mark of love in Jesus and deep respect for you.

Tony (in the UK, a flight-free zone right now)

Michael,

I have been in your condition only once, and it was not at all pleasant. Here are some scattered thoughts.

Lucian’s answer was the best, IMHO, from a theological standpoint.

Also, for some reason I cannot get the phrase out of my mind as I read your post and the comments, so I’ll put it here: “Son of man, can these bones live again?”

Also, a portion from James’s epistle comes to mind:

“Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy.
…
Is an among you afflicted? let him pray.
…
Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: and the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him. Confess your faults one to another [you’ve done this part!], and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.”

I don’t know if that helps at all, but it does give some concrete, pragmatic steps to follow, and that can be useful.

Grace, love, and peace in Christ Jesus.

May the mercy, grace, and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ, from God the Father, with the love of the Spirit, be with your spirit.

I want everyone to know how special these comments are to me. I have read every one and cherished them all. I have been feeling much better today. I really have. While I am standing right by the hole, I am not in it. The experience has been so terrifying. For the first time I know how my sister Angie felt. My heart breaks for so many people now who experience the same thing. Come Lord Jesus.

But what a wonderful thing it is to read these words. While the Lord may be silent in a lot of ways, he is not silent through you. For now, this is enough and I will never forget it.

I’m so sorry you are going through such a dark period, but glad you are beginning to feel better. I pray for your continued healing.

Hello sweet Michael – I’m with John Down Under — his post was great – only I’m a Calvinist 🙂

Michael, “you would do well to pay attention as to a lamp shining in a dark place until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts”. (2 Peter 1:19) — OK, so I took it out of context but isn’t it beautiful? The lamp shines so deeply in your heart. It will be bright again. It will.

Sometimes in the dark, we learn to see more clearly. Yet care must be taken that the darkness is not allowed to overtake the light. Michael, you’ve set high expectations for yourself — much higher than others have set for you or expect out of you. You’ve given every inch of yourself to others and perhaps it might be time for you to simply rest. The biblical concept of rest is an important one, and burning the midnight oil constantly without rest will take its toll on anyone.

As someone who has watched you for years — and loves you tremendously from a distance — having never even met you!) — I encourage you to rest.

God told Paul in Corinthians, “My grace is sufficient for you — for my power is made perfect in weakness”…..”for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

Rest, Michael. When rested, the world will look fresh again. You will start to recognize that weakness is something each human faces and that our weaknesses make us strong —because it causes us to depend on God’s plan, not our own. God will be more clearly seen with eyes that are rested.

Dear Michael — Rest. All of us are praying for you.

Michael, I have forwarded your request for prayer to my theology study group. We will pray for your situation. May the Lord grant you and your family strength during this time of difficulty.

MIchael–I do not often agree with much of what you have to say but I can agree with you in prayer today–Come, Lord Jesus.

Ten years ago I sat in my basement leaning against my washing machine sobbing, unable to go upstair for fear my 4 year old daughter would ask me for some juice and I couldn’t find the strength to get it for her. I felt like I lived in the bottom of a 300 foot well and no matter how much I called for help no one heard my cries. I pleaded with God to show me what to do or what I’d done so I could repent. I remeber distinctly saying to Him at one point–what is so wrong with wanting to love and be loved. As close to being audible as I’ve ever come His response came to my mind–“That is the very sin of Satan. All he wanted was to love and be loved apart from Me.” I recently finished an Anniversary post. At the end I said, “He loves me and that nothing…can separate me from His love. That is the thread I hang onto these days. And it is really the only thread I have for others.”

He loves you CMP. And we are praying for you.

Praying for you Michael. I appreciate your honesty, and know it takes a lot to be that open in the midst of such difficulty –easy after, but not many can be that way when they are *in* the hole as when they are out of it.

You have quite a ministry, so I think in part it comes with the territory. Satan is vicious against those prevailing against the gates of hell.

And I think there is no way around learning the strength of weakness than to experience such weakness.

I had a time some years ago when something snapped inside for me, something broke, very deep. Was it my will, or my independence, my spirit? I can’t tell you. I only know that all I could do was put one foot in front of the other. And tell Jesus I loved Him. And all I desired was very milky Word, lots of Psalms, every word a balm. Now looking back, those were precious days being carried. But when I saw the light at the end of the tunnel…and it was off, it certainly didn’t feel like I was being carried at all.

In the end, yeah, just will pray for you. Not the least I can do, I know it’s the most.

Michael,

I feel and will pray for you as you work through this ‘broken’ time.

May I suggest two broad categories that you should look into

1. Check with your doctor to rule out organic problems — endocinopathies like hypo/hyperthyroidism, Addison’s disease; metabolic disturbances–acid/base imbalance or hypo/hypernatremia; medications that you may be taking some med. like beta blockers, clonidine or sedatives/hypnotics. If memory serve me you had issue with coccydynia syndrome for over several weeks. This chronic pain itself can cause lag of sleep leading to loss of concentration, anxiety, depression. You may be just anemic . Bottom line check withyour primary care doctor it may save you unnecessary doubt about God going ‘AWOL.’

2. Check out your mental/psychological problems– over work can be a significant issue here. You may need to be work up for neurotic vs endogenous depression.

Blessings

Eric

You’ll be in my prayers, brother been there myself too. Like Elijah, God will show his presence to you again. If I can do anything else with or for you; I can be reached via the website.

Michael,
mad love.
mad respect
we are praying.
we love you.

One more thing there is a DSM category for ” Compassion Fatigue ” secondary victimization, vicarious trauma. It’s the cost of caring that can effect the health of human services people and health care providers can get.

I will be praying for you. Get better soon.

I understand how you feel. I’ve been through this same thing for the last year and a half. With the help of medication the worst of the depression is over, but I still face the proverbial “Long Dark Night of the Soul” as you once refered to. My pastor gave me some good advice for these times. He said to ease your own suffering, get involved in the lives of others. When your upset, down and confused it’s very easy to isolate yourself. One last thought, many times we’re our own worst critics. I had very unrealistic expectations regarding my ministry and Christian service. When I didn’t get the results I expected I took it very hard and it drove me out of ministry and I’m still dealing with the dissapointment and my fractured relationship with God. Don’t put yourself on too high of a pedestal. You can’t reach yourself then!

But as for me, I will look to the Lord;
I will wait for the God of my salvation;
my God will hear me.

Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
when I fall, I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
the Lord will be a light to me.

I will bear the indignation of the Lord
because I have sinned against him,
until he pleads my cause
and executes judgment for me.

He will bring me out to the light;
I shall look upon his vindication.

Then my enemy will see,
and shame will cover her who said to me,
“Where is the Lord your God?”

My eyes will look upon her;
now she will be trampled down
like the mire of the streets.

Micah 7:7-10

God is for you brother. He is FOR you. Praying for you.

MJD

What can I say that hasn’t already been said. I’ve been down this road before with a loved one recently. All I can say is I will leave it in the hands of a sovereign God through prayer. God bless you Michael. You don’t know how much you have helped me grow in Christ.

Micheal,

I’ve been in that condition for over seven years now and I don’t think I will ever have the feeling of having God in my life again… I still go to church, read my Bible, pray, serve, etc…

I remember when I used to get excited about the things I saw God doing… Now its just the same old same old stuff… I am on antidepressants, so I haven’t been suicidal for a few years, that’s about the best I can say…

A lot of well meaning people are telling you things will get better and this too shall pass… I know it does for a lot of people, but for some of us we just get used to the spiritual numbness…

At least you have a prayer and encouragement support system… Something I didn’t have after 15 years of pastoral ministry (and still don’t)… Maybe that will help you somehow…

In the meantime I have gotten used to showing up for church, singing the songs, smiling and shaking hands during the greeting, knowing there is a God out there somewhere and someday I’ll be with him… But I’ve pretty much given up hope of ever being restored to the former joy I had in serving Jesus…

Sorry for the downer…

Michael,

Know that I am, as well as my ministry, will be praying for you.

I write this with tears in my eyes, when one of our brothers hurt, we all hurt.

We love you and are praying for you and your family.

David M
& Ministry