It is another one of those posts. You know, the ones I should no be writing but write anyway.
It is a very dark time in my life. I don’t know how else to describe it. About three or four weeks ago I changed. I don’t know how to describe this to you. Either I attempt to comfort you and preempt any sorrow by saying it is not really that bad and understate my circumstance, or I catalogue my thoughts to you with the possibility of misunderstanding and dread. All I can say is that I have had some sort of mental breakdown. My strength is gone. Depression? Certainly. Anxiety? Definitely. Fighting with the Lord? Most assuredly. All I know is that I broke a few weeks ago and I don’t know how to fix myself. All of the advice that I have given to broken people over the years is now pointed back at me and I realize how empty it can be.
Why? I don’t know. I wish I did. I have spent the last few weeks obsessing with how to get “me” back. I have analyzed every possible turn. God seems to have gone AWOL and I can’t get in touch with him other than through the cold hard facts. Facts are facts. They are nice, but I am coming to realize how much I need his presence in other ways. He has not been seen in this neck of the woods in quit some time. I am trying to reevaluate my expectations, but that is easier said than done. It is like when someone you love and have grown so used to has disappeared and you have everyone out looking for him but no one knows what happened. Fear sets in and every possible bad thing that could have happened becomes a valid option.
Lord, I guess I need to experience you. I need to see you. Maybe not physically, but like you used to. Things were going so well on so many fronts. My family was strong and they were all following you. Now everyone that I loved so dearly and saw you in is either dead, mentally incapacitated, doubting, or depressed. Some have three of the four. It is so dark at mom’s house. It used to be so wonderful. You were there. And my ministry: it was a joy I turned to so often and found you when you were gone in other places. For years you had surprise moves that energized my spirit with your presence. Now you have left the building here as well. I have come to the point where I am timid and insecure. The mandate that I had is gone. I am exhausted. Completely exhausted. I still have no lack for ideas, I simply lack your blessing? I don’t know.
Lord, it is lonely without you. I know, I know. You are really there. You are in other things I am not seeing. I know you are teaching me something. But I don’t really want to learn this anymore. I am sorry, but if you take your presence away from me, what do you expect? I am so tired and I don’t know how to function in this environment. Can’t I learn it with you in the room?
I think I have cried more times in the last few weeks then I have in my entire life. My poor wife does not know what to do.
To my readers: I ask for your prayers. I don’t know what it is like any longer to mount up on wings like eagles. I don’t know what the peace that passes understanding is anymore. I have the opposite and it does not seem to be going away any time soon. It is taking its toll on everyone I know and I understand why. I was the stable one. I was the one who demonstrated what faith in Christ could get you through. I was the one that set an example. I always had hope. Now I am a leper of sadness and hopelessness. I don’t know what I am asking for prayer for. I just want to be back to “normal.” I have been to see my counselor and have some rocks who are remaining stable. Please know that I am not going through this alone. Yet it is still so dark. I do ask you to talk to God about this on my behalf. As the Lord hangs on to me at this time, pray that he pulls me out of this pit. I do know I will get through this, but I need your prayers so much. I am broken.
132 replies to "Broken"
I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve gone through times like that myself so I know how hard it is. I’ll be praying for you. Please remember it get’s better.
Hi Mike,
I really feel for your brokenness. I’ll be praying for you.
Q: How about calling and getting together with Chuck Swindoll? He might be just the person for you. You know, God’s Love with skin on it.
Peace in Christ Alone,
Truth Unites… and Divides
Michael,
Steve and I will be praying for you. I am also asking every Christian I know to pray for you, via our face book (Steve N Penny Jones) and I will also send this link to the pastors at our church. (Crossroad’s).
You have touched so many of us in this community that I know you will soon have hundreds more praying for you.
I know words are just bouncing off of you, right now. There is no meaning to them. I also know that deep down in the deepest part of your soul, there is a flicker. It’s a light that, no matter how dim, will never go out. NO MATTER WHAT.
So even as you dispair. As you cry out in the wilderness, hearing only your own voice echoing back to you. I promise you, that ever tiny flicker will hold you. It will tell you in the smallest ways, the tiniest ways, that you are still His and that He loves you deeply. It may be the smallest of threads, but because it is held in the hand of God, it is indestructible and He will never let go of it.
He loves you, and so do many, many of those you have ministered to.
In Christ,
Penny Jones
Micheal,
You’re not alone. It seems like many people around me are going through such times, myself included. You are in my prayers.
Sometimes I wonder if God does not intentionally orchestrate these droughts to make us realize the reality of an absence of him. So when we look into the abyss, it doesn’t look back but yells “jump in”, the only thing we can do is cry out for the life rope. Oh how we need him so desperately.
I have no words, no advice, only heartfelt prayers.
This brings Romans 8 and pretty much the entire book of Job to mind. Go read those. Even as a nonbeliever, those words aren’t empty to me. I can’t imagine how’d they be for you.
At least you’re not required to believe in a universe that exists without any notion of purpose – not even “purposelessness,” which requires one to determine no purpose – and a rational culture where a sense of morality exists in all of us but no logical foundation for any kind of notion of morals, justice, or equality can possibly ever be grounded, thanks to the “is”-“ought” unbreakable dichotomy.
At least your Universe doesn’t tend toward an ultimate goal of its own self-destruction in a completely dead, motionless, eternal state of completely used energy, with every action – the birth of one’s kids, one’s marriage, one’s hopes, dreams, sadness, loss, anything – all contributing to this mindless goal.
We’re all just apes in my world. Morality is an illusion (of what? I don’t know) and we’re all just one evolutionary step removed from creatures that swing from jungle trees and throw their own feces for fun. We’re no more dust in the wind than a millipede, and our thoughts amount to not much more of a mechanical cause-effect process than, as Greg Bahnsen so eloquently put it, “weeds growing.”
Our suffering, injuries, and death amount to nothing. It’s all a part of what Carlyle says is the Universe wanting to, in Its dead indifference, grind us all down, limb-to-limb.
No God, no purpose, no groundable morality, no hope, nothing. Even with the trouble you’re going through, I still envy you and the infinite God you have on your side. I hope if He really does exist that He’s Elected me, as well, because, frankly, I’m sick of this s*#t.
Be well, my friend. My thoughts are with you.
Prayed for you as I read your post……..
I have known that of which you write.
I will be praying for you.
Michael: I just prayed for you. And I will continue to pray for you. But if I may offer just one thought: I believe our Lord deliberately allows you go through these ordeals only to equip you more and more to be able to truly minister to others. I am just one of so many to whom you consistently minister. Among other things, I learn how to apply theology in my daily life. To me, you stand as someone who teaches through your words and life how to integrate theology and daily life. Sorry for the rambling. But I count you as a very dear brother, and will continue to pray for you.
I have felt this more times than I want to remember. I feel this still more than I think I should. I will pray for your during this dark journey.
Trace
God is good, and yes – as you said – he will pull you – and each of us when times like this pass our way- through. Thank you for posting this. It’s a humble reminder – to some of us that might be going through such times but perhaps unable to come to fully acknowledge and cry out for prayers – help – at least on a public scale such as this. It’s encouraging and humbling to read this – and perhaps that’s at least part of – although definitely not the whole – reason that our Father is allowing this time for you – to humble your readers – to humble others through your honesty and humility in facing this time.
Michael,
I’m going to be very straight. Buck up, though not in the usual denial sort of way.
Read God’s response to Job. Read it over and over again until it hurts. Gird your loins like a man, says God.
Or let me put it in horizontal terms. Who do you think you are? A few weeks and you’re ready to throw in the towel? Consider taking Mother Theresa’s biography seriously, a make a comparison.
http://www.firstthings.com/article/2007/08/the-dark-night-of-mother-teresa-42
This advice may be way off base; advice from a distance usually is. If so, take it with a grain of salt. Just trying to reach out to you from 1000 miles away.
hey michael, i’ll pray for you. i love you, dude. you’re one of my favorite people.
your friend,
zach young
Michael,
“During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel—and God knew.”–Ex 2:23-25–ESV
I love the ESV rendering of this passage. God didn’t just hear–God knew–He experienced their groaning and their cries and they, too, probably did not feel God’s presence but He rescued them; He rescued us; and He will rescue you.
Praying for you.
When you posted the news about your friend last week, knowing even the little I know of your past, I didn’t see how you could fail to be absolutely devastated. I’ve confronted similar tragedy more than once before (and probably will again). These tragedies tend to be accompanied by myriad disappointments, and make all of our wisdom into folly.
I won’t flatter you with compliments about how “courageous” it is for you to admit these things, since admission of brokenness ought never to be a source of pride. It’s neither cowardly nor courageous to admit brokenness — it’s just saying it like it is. We Christians aren’t Buddhists or sophists who explain away suffering and call it illusion. And we aren’t stoics. So we cry out.
FWIW, I never loved you for being the “stable one”, the one who “demonstrated what faith … could get you through”, or the one who “always had hope”. Yet I thank God for your ministry. If you feel pressure to hold up a facade of Christ-likeness in order to “save souls”, just let it go. We already have a role model, and His name is Christ.
I am convinced that you sincerely want to set that sort of example, and that you don’t want to take shortcuts. Isn’t that exactly enough? Neither personal perfection nor personal vulnerability are idols to be held up to others.
Dear Brother, many of us have felt this horror. Please know that my prayers are with you.
I do not know you well which may limit knowing the right response. I am wary knowing how badly Job’s friends failed.
So I will just share words of truth that carry no condemnation.
A Psalm of David.
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.
Welcome to the club, CMP.
“Though he slay me, yet I will worship him.”
Such public honesty is rare for someone of your stature and influence. Thank you.
Hi Michael,
I know so good what are you talking about. With all my heart I am with you in these days. I pray for you.
Michael,
I’ve followed this blog for quite some time now, I’ve never commented or gotten involved with the discussions.
If I am guessing the time this was posted correctly, you put it up very late at night. There’s a lot going in in your head.
As you’ve pointed out, those nice words of advice and encouragement you’ve given to others just don’t seem to cut it for you. I won’t pretend to be able to encourage you, or tell you what verses you need to memorize, and call me in the morning.
But you may know you’ve got one person (All the way in lebanon!) thinking about you, and praying for you (albeit briefly) every morning.
And, know, that even as you maybe don’t feel like much of a teacher and instructor, I think this post will impact lives just as much (probably more) than any of your other ones.
Thank you for your openness and authenticity.
Dear brother, it is in these times of quiet when we must be most attentive to the spiritual practices we have been blessed with – immerse yourself in the Psalms, seek Him out in the stillness. Continue the good work you have been called to do as a light and witness to His hope – a hope beyond human frailty and doubt.
I pray that your spirit is strengthened by the Spirit and you are given strength in this trial to emerge stronger and resolute to resist the Devil’s attempts to steal God’s glory through your suffering.
He has not abandoned you.
I have prayed for you to persevere like Job and cling for dear life to the promises of our Father God and the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. May He pull you out of the desolate pit, the miry bog, without delay, and set your feet upon a rock. May He put a new song in your mouth, a song of praise to Him. We see, we fear, we put our trust in Him.
Michael,
Thank you for your candor and transparency. Your ministry seems to be very unique in that way. It would be easy for you to keep quiet and pretend to your readers that everything is rosey.
Like Lisa, I have no words or advice (I’m sure they would all be shallow and things that you’ve already told yourself) I will take support you before the throne, however. I’m convinced that God’s hand is on your ministry and life and certainly will lift you up. Hang in there, buddy!
Wow. I’m sorry. I’ll pray.
I’m sorry Michael.
Got it. Praying for you now. I cried a lot in 2009. Since October (through today) I’ve cried nearly daily. I cry about some issues in specific and I cry at almost anything out of the blue. I think that’s not bad in and of itself. It depends on where it leads. I pray it will lead you into God’s arms (in a real, not bumper sticker way).
Peace and Grace to you.
Thank you for your humble sharing. I am praying for you.
The best advice that I can give you is to rejoice in the Lord, always, and let the word of God fight all the fiery darts of darkness.
Do you feel like God doesn’t love you? Quote scriptures that tell of his love for you.
Do you feel forsaken like Christ did on the cross? Quote scriptures that tell you that he will never forsake you.
Do you feel like crying again, thank Him and praise Him.
And know that in your place of brokenness and humility, is the place where God can work, if you let Him.
I’d offer the simple-sounding diagnosis–that it sounds like clinical depression to me–except that I am totally unqualified to diagnose any such thing and I know it wouldn’t do you any good to hear it anyway.
I can’t honestly say that I’ve ever felt quite that way. There have been times that I have felt drained, tired, even sad, sometimes agitated without quite knowing why, and the one thing I have found that works for me is to just continue working on what I knew I needed to be working on before such feelings began, knowing–as you appear to know–that eventually feelings pass, things change, and that one thing I do not want is to find that in the midst of whatever-it-is-that-I-am-going-through, I neglected something of importance. More often than not, the refusal to just stop seems to be part of what turns things around.
Can’t say I’ve been through this often, though, or felt it to anything like the depth that you’re describing.
Michael,
Through more than five years of caring for my father through his final dementia, I found myself ground down in exhaustion as well. There were very dark times, and even knowing others who were experiencing similar darkness was not a solution.
The darkness is not forever. And He does sustain us in it, though He does not not remove the weakness or the frustration.
I learned a lot through that time. If you like, when you’re ready, I can share some of those things with you.
God bless. You have my prayers.
I have prayed for you and will pray for you. And your wife and children.
And ….thanks for saying that the advice can be empty. I have a lot of guilt for not “comforting” people with that advice. I know what I’m supposed to say, but just can never bring myself to say it because….well, you know. Those words can’t fix it.
So, no advice, Michael. Know that you are appreciated and that others understand. This won’t last forever. Honest.
I’m also praying for you that your faith does not fail through this dark night of the soul.
Let the word of God comfort you knowing that God is working in you (refining and pruning you) to perfect that which concerns you, to make you more like Christ, and to finish the good work which He started in you.
MotW wrote: I’d offer the simple-sounding diagnosis–that it sounds like clinical depression to me–except that I am totally unqualified to diagnose any such thing and I know it wouldn’t do you any good to hear it anyway.
CMP:
My prayers are with and for you.
As an equally-medically-unqualified-and-ignorant person, I’d say the same thing as Man of the West above re: clinical depression. 3 capsules a day of St. John’s Wort 0.3% (300 mg)Standardized Extract – Spring Valley brand at Wal-Mart, 150 capsules for $8 (the 300 mg/capsule bottle, not the 300 mg/2 capsules bottle) keeps me out of the deep, deep lows. I started with 2 daily and realized after a couple months that I probably needed 3. I once tried Prozac for a short while. It permanently removed the dark cloud I was living under, but after a short while I found I did not want to do anything but sleep and avoid life, so I quit it. The deep depression stayed away, though.
A well-known pastor whose church we used to attend, Tommy Nelson of Denton (TX) Bible Church, suddenly experienced depression a number of years ago and had to take considerable time off. You might want to give him a call.
I am not trying to dismiss what might indeed be a spiritual, rather than a medical/psychological/physical, situation. But if it is clinical depression, then short of healing by God, the remedy or alleviation may lie in anti-depressants of some sort.
Tommy’s talk at DTS about this is online:
http://www.dts.edu/media/play/?MediaItemID=6db48678-0bfc-4b68-bb02-578cb5f41c70
Maybe you’ve seen/heard it already.
Michael,
Been there!!!
Hang on, and keep complaining.
He will be back.
Will pray.
Michael,
Praying for you. You don’t have to be the strong one…The Strong One’s got you. There are many many brothers and sisters out there praying for you as well.
Michael,
I will be praying for you too. I think I have experienced similar things a couple of times in the past and I know how devastating it is to go through. I think you are probably experiencing a very human reaction to all you have been through recently and in the past years. That doesn’t make it any easier from where you are now, I know.
I guess the only thing I want to say from my own experience is that God is so faithful. I found out how He holds on to us in times of utter desperation when it seems like we have hit absolute bottom.
Praying for you for strength, peace, and comfort and that He will bring you through stronger then you were before.
I have followed your blog and podcasts and your theology program with our small group for some time now and I can’t tell you much I appreciate all you have done in your teaching. I have grown closer to God through your work and I just wanted to say thank you and thank God for you. Please know that I will definitely keep you in my prayers and please keep us updated.
My comments are not for Michael. He already know my thoughts and feelings about everything going on.
I rather wish to simply thank everyone for your comments. It touches my heart to see such kindness and godly wisdom offered up to Michael in one of his darkest hours.
I know he appreciates it as well and I know God will use it in ways we cannot even know.
So thank you folks.
You are in the truest sense of the word, a blessing to us at Reclaiming the Mind.
To summarize Tommy Nelson’s talk (but it’s still worth listening to/watching): When a person does too much, even something they love, for too long or for too much (for him it was nearly 30 years straight, day in and day out), the body at some point says: “Enough!” and shuts down. The body has depleted itself of serotonin. (This, as well as a flood of adrenaline, is what happened to him, leaving him totally incapacitated and emotionless.) The two results can be depression on one end and anxiety on the other end. The solution in these cases, Tommy says, is taking a SRI – serotonin uptake inhibitor – lexapro, etc. – under a doctor’s care, as well as seeing a counselor who’s personally been there. The SRI prevents the body from using serotonin, thus letting it rebuild its supply. Within a few weeks normal feelings begin to return – i.e., what seems to have been taken away from a person now seems to be coming back; within a few months, things are back where they should be. But the person now has to ensure that rest and relaxation are a necessary part of life and live/work a normal schedule.
Tommy also advises Christians against talking to other Evangelicals about this right away, as they’ll tend to dismiss it, offer mere bromides, or suggest the person’s problem is a result of sin – i.e., they act like Job’s comforters. Tommy knows, because he says this is what he used to do to those who came to him with depression. 🙂
I don’t know all the details but I suffered from mild depression last year but also found out I have thyroid disease. I am fine now on med to replace hormone.
Have you had physical.? I would also ask if you are getting enough rest? Are taking on to many responsibilities or not having fun? ( like sports or crafts etc??) Maybe a vacation for a awhile and travel for a few weeks also may help.
Am praying you may find out what is wrong.
I am intimately familar with the place where you are at. You are in my prayers.
Mike, I pray you would be strong. You contribution to the Christian community is more than you realize.
Here are a couple of links that might help.
Tom Nelson’s depression
To the God Who Might Be There
I will pray for you.
CMP,
I feel for you and I greatly admire your honesty and transparency. My only advice is to be true to yourself and don’t be afraid to follow your heart wherever it leads.
C. S. Lewis expressed the same kind of transparency in a letter to Mary Van Deusen on June 18, 1956:
Dear Michael, I just read your note “Broken”. I immediatly went into my bedroom , shut the door, got down on my knees and prayed to Our Heavenly Father to restore you, to help you, and have you be better than before. In Jesus name.
Michael,
I am thinking about you and you are most definitely in my prayers. You have done so much for me; I hope there is something I can do for you.
Love You Brother
My husband sent me your post. It’s really heart breaking. I understand that everything everyone says is just “blah blah blah blah.” What has been a comfort to me in the past is knowing that spiritual life has seasons, just like creation. It’s just winter. Can’t tell how long it will be, but spring will come again. He is your winter as well as your summer. Dormant is not dead.