Seeing as how Oklahoma City was just voted the manliest city, I thought I would begin to explore what makes the manliest theologian. Here are some criteria:

1. Must be a man. Sorry ladies. There is a petition out there to lift this criteria and redefine the basic DNA of manliness, but the overwhelming support of the population still believes that there are tangible sine qua nons of what it means to be a man.

2. Takes a stand on controversial theological issues such as hell, predestination, and inerrancy. +1 per issue

3. Has watched The Hunt for Red October. +1 (increase by 1 up to 4 for each time watched)

4. Johnny Depp is favorite actor. -4

5. Uses Bibleworks. +3

6. Is married. +5

7. Has been married over 20 years. +5 more

8. Has more than one wife. -10

9. Has listened to John Piper’s “Doing Missions when Dying is Gain”. +4

10. Dan Wallace is favorite exegete. +5

11. Rob Bell is favorite exegete. -10

12. Is a Calvinist. (one point for every point of Calvinism up to 5)

13. Is a Complementarian. +4

14. Lives in Oklahoma City (America’s manliest city). +5

15. Lives in San Deigo (America’s least manliest city). -5

16. Smokes cigars. +3

17. Smokes dope. Disqualified

18. Has been secure enough to change his position on at least one theological issue in the last three years. +5

19. Changes his position every year. -10

20. Drives a pick-up. +5

21. Drives a Nissan Leaf. -5

21. Drinks Dos Equis. +2

22. Drinks too much Dos Equis. Disqualified

23. Believes in just-war theory. +5

24. Is a pacifist. -2

25. Lives in fear of no man. +3

26. Lives in fear of God. +10

27. Lives in fear of his wife. +11

28. Drinks coffee. +3

29. Drinks cappuccinos. 0

30. Drinks frappuccinos. -3

31. Drinks anything at the Credo House. +10

And the winner is…?

C Michael Patton
C Michael Patton

C. Michael Patton is the primary contributor to the Parchment and Pen/Credo Blog. He has been in ministry for nearly twenty years as a pastor, author, speaker, and blogger. Find him on Patreon Th.M. Dallas Theological Seminary (2001), president of Credo House Ministries and Credo Courses, author of Now that I'm a Christian (Crossway, 2014) Increase My Faith (Credo House, 2011), and The Theology Program (Reclaiming the Mind Ministries, 2001-2006), host of Theology Unplugged, and primary blogger here at Parchment and Pen. But, most importantly, husband to a beautiful wife and father to four awesome children. Michael is available for speaking engagements. Join his Patreon and support his ministry

    20 replies to "World’s Manliest Theologian"

    • Frank!

      Are you talking about yourself?

    • John D. Elliott


      Is 1. A. “must be an Oklahoma Sooner fan?” is that +100?

      Is the answer Sam Storms? 😉


    • Zach Sweat

      Ugh, I only got 54. 🙁

    • Marv

      What about born in OKC? That count a little???

    • Josiah

      Jesus being a pacifist, how much of Just War theory would He believe in?

      Great article btw

    • Richard

      As someone who lives in SD, I take offense with #15

      And then there’s this:

      And this:

      ’nuff said =)

    • Ray Nearhood

      I do believe Dr. James White wins.

      I mean, number 2 should tip him over the edge. But, if that isn’t convincing enough.

      12. +10 for understanding (and practicing) that “is a Calvinist” entails a lot more than 5 points (suggesting a sixth point to the five, even, that would encompass the other five and make clear God’s sovereignty).

      14. Can do circles around Oklahoma City (on a bicycle). Over a hundred times, even(OKC approx. circumference is 88 miles)… AT ALTITUDE. +510 (that’s your +5 multipled by the number of circles he can do around the city – I’ve excluded the altitude for the sake of fairness)

      20. How does one score “When not riding circles around Oklahoma City he drives a Harley”?

      25. +3, obviously. Also, +10 because bears fear him (

    • Ray Nearhood

      Also, I just noticed that Phoenix, AZ is up seven spots from last year… apparently due to a single theologian (?)!

    • Doug H

      Is manly enough to reject the ridiculous “manly” stereotypes above:

      +1000 points.

    • David McKay

      Can’t spell for nuts. +50

    • JFDU

      Has at least 1 Australian facebook friend +5

    • Bob Anderson

      Frankly, I would be terrified if a woman won the world’s manliest theologian award.

      I suppose it would either make a strong commentary on many (men) theologians, or show how powerful feminist theology has become.

      I am a bit perturbed at #12 and #13 since it skews the weighting for the Calvinists. It seems to me that Calvinists believe they can knock down an Arminian at will. Even if that were true (it is not), that means the Arminians just keep getting back up and keep coming. So I think Arminians should get a +10 for sheer tenacity and true grit (not counting the great exegesis we do).

    • Bob Anderson

      “I suppose it would either make a strong commentary on many (men) theologians, or show how powerful feminist theology has become.”

      No offense intended for feminist theologians. (I am backpedaling already.)

    • Paul

      Heeeyyy. I’m from San Diego. But San Diego is home to the First Marine Division. +9

    • GoldCityDance

      26. Lives in fear of God. +10

      27. Lives in fear of his wife. +11


    • veryrarelystable

      “It seems to me that Calvinists believe they can knock down an Arminian at will.”

      Not at will – most certainly not! Only if god fore-ordained it.

    • Mike

      San Diego loses points? Either you haven’t been to San Diego, and aren’t aware that it has one of the highest concentration of American military men in the country, to include Marines and SEAL’s, or you believe military men aren’t manly. So you support the Just War position, just not the men who risk and sometimes give their lives to defend our country. Actually, sounds a lot like your typical theologian – content to amuse himself with pot shots from the ivory tower.

    • GoldCityDance


      CMP was not the person who judged San Diego as the least manliest city. He’s just being consistent – the same “study” that judged Oklahoma City as the most manliest city listed San Diego as the least manliest city.

      If you want to get annoyed at someone, it should be folks at COMBOS® brand who did the study:

    • loo

      Jesus = 3 (afraid of no man)

      Def. NOT a calvinist or a comp. So… who are you trying to model your life after? An American reporter’s idea of manliness, or the creator of the Universe’s view of manliness? Just saying…

    • supersonic

      Jesus scores at least 25!!!

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