Revised, updated and massively expanded.

(Please note: these are not really meant to be serious. This in no way reflects my doctrine—don’t go there. Lighten-up! After all, it is categorized under “funny”).

1. “Heads bowed, eyes closed . . .”: During a church service, you may hear a preacher abruptly break into this unexpected dialogue with the audience: “Heads bowed, eyes closed. If you have accepted Christ into your heart [more later], I want you to raise your hand.” Don’t get scared. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. It is not a fancy way to steal your money or pull anything sneaky. It is the preacher’s way of helping the uncomfortable seeker feel more at ease about accepting Christ. It is best if you just follow instructions here.

2. “Into the Word”: This is a portion of an important phrase that may be communicated by seasoned Christians in many different contexts. It always has reference to the Bible. Yes, I know, the Bible is more than one word, in fact it is thousands, but once you are a Christian, it becomes singular and has a definite article, “the,” attached to it. If you hear someone say, “Are you in the Word?,” this is another way of saying, “You need to read the Bible if you are going to be spiritual like me.” IMPORTANT: This has no relation to the phrases, “Word to your mother,” “Word up,” or just plain “Word.”

3. Backslidden: This has no reference to the past event of sliding down a hill on your back. It is used to refer to those Christians who are now suspect in their original confession due to their current participation in a particular sin.

4. “Ask Jesus into your heart”: Although there is nowhere in Scripture that people are commanded to ask Jesus into their heart, this has become the primary means by which Evangelicals believe a person becomes a Christian. Don’t be scared here. Heart surgery, high cholesterol, and cardiovascular exercise (or lack thereof) have no bearing on Christ’s presence in your heart. He does not actually live there.

5. Soul Winning: Please understand, this  is not a game. It is the act whereby one person tells another about Christ and the person believes, thereby having their souls “saved” (i.e. “won”). I know that normally if there are winners, you would think there are losers, but not in Soul Winning.

6. “I see that hand . . .”: This is related to #1. The pastor has just asked for raised hands while everyone’s heads are bowed and eyes closed. “I see that hand” can mean one of two things: 1) Someone is indicating that they have accepted Jesus by raising their hand. 2) The pastor is acting like someone has to be more heroic and finance the new building. VERY IMPORTANT: Avoid any temptation to look for the hand when the pastor says “I see that hand.” Although science is inconclusive, we are not sure if you looking for the hand raised has any bearing on the effectiveness of the salvation process. It is best to be safe and avoid giving in to this temptation. To be very spiritual, just thank the Lord for that person and pray that they become a Calvinist.

7. Contemporary Christian Music: Avoid at all costs. Yes, many of your Christian friends will act as if they like it. Musicians, sociologists, and psychologists are perplexed as to the reasons why. We believe it is due to the pressured environment of the Christian community for Christians to do all things Christian, but this has no bearing on your salvation. Please, don’t feel pressure to like it.

8. Christian Movies: See “Contemporary Christian Music.”

9. Baptism: The spiritual act of going under water. Yeah, I know, most people don’t understand it, but you must do it anyway. Oh, also, someone else has to push, drop, or lower you; otherwise, it is ineffective.

10. “Blessed”: This word must take the place of many words, but the most important replacement is with the word “luck.” Super-spiritual Christians (SSC) will often be offended and pugnaciously correct you if you ever say, “Good luck.” Even if you are just using it as a casual phrase with the best of intentions, the SSC will see it as an opportunity to correct you and show you how Christian they are compared to you by saying “I don’t believe in luck, only God’s blessings.” When you have someone correct you, just act as if you have learned something and then be on your way.

11. The Water that Jesus Turned into Wine was Diluted to a Watery Grape juice: Although there is no biblical, historic, or cultural evidence to suggest it, you must believe that Christ did not turn the water into wine, but into watery grape juice. This is a cardinal doctrine.

12. Lord’s Table (Baptist): It goes by many other names, but this represents the time when you eat a really small cracker and a small cup of grape juice and afterwords are more spiritual because of it. Think mystery. It is very important to know that this is not the church providing lunch. As well, those who are on the Atkins diet cannot become Christian because of the high carbs in both the juice and cracker.

Lord’s Table (Presbyterian/Anglican/Methodist/Catholic): Free booze.

13. Public Prayer: You will often find yourself in a situation where others are praying and you don’t know what to do. As a general rule, you should remain quiet and attempt to pray with them. If your mind drifts just try to make a quiet, yet slightly audible, sounds like “um” (not “ummmm”), “yes Lord,” and “amen.” They may be completely out of context, but you will still be better off. This is very well accepted.

14. God D*%n: The only phrase that you can use that will immediately let others know that you are not a Christian and the only exception to the once-saved-always-saved doctrine (despite the fact that it is not really taking God’s name in vain).

15. “Jesus”: This is an acceptable answer to pretty much every question in the Christian community. For example: Who is God? Jesus. Why are you alive? Jesus. Why are we here? Jesus. What website were you looking at? Jesus. What did you learn about today? Jesus. What is your favorite music? Jesus. What book are you reading? Jesus. Why don’t you want to go to _________ with me? Jesus. What planet is that? Jesus. It always works.

16. “Jesus!”: Bad word, see # 14.

17. Rush Limbaugh: This is the only person in existence who has not asked Jesus into their heart but is nonetheless going to heaven.

18. Raising hands during worship: Be very careful with this. The first thing you need to know is that this is not the way to ask a question during church service, but a way to worship. Churches are not in agreement about its validity. Some churches allow the “Full throttle” (raising hands above your head either with hands spread or index finger pointed), but some places only allow the “Governor” (hands raised to chest high position). Some churches will see any extension of hands as a sign of self-promotion and you will be asked to leave. The best approach is to ask the usher while being seated.

19. Quiet time: Please note, this has no relation to “time out.” In fact, it could be just the opposite. All Christians are expected to have “quiet time.” It is at this time that you renew your relationship to God through prayer and Bible study. The longer the better. If you do this first thing in the morning, people will count you blessed.

20. The gentle hand squeeze at the end of a prayer: While this is not a phrase or word that you need to know, it is a practice that might get you caught off guard if you are not aware of implications. It will come at the end of a prayer in which hands are being held. It is a gentle squeeze as the prayer says “amen” or immediately after it. Either is acceptable. It means, in essence, “I love you and we are in this together. So hang in there and call on me if you ever need anything.”

21. Short-term Missions: Short-term missions are a part of the Christian’s life. Please note that if you go on a short-term mission, there is a universal pattern of experience. 1) Fear: Going to another country is frightening. 2) Excitement: The Lord has personally arranged for this trip and has someone for you to meet. 3) Shock: this is the initial disturbance that Americans have to the poverty and needs of the visited area. 4) Attachment: this represents the love that you have for the people and places you have gone along with the desire to remain. 5) Mourning: this is the time when you have to leave. Expect a lot of wailing and crying. 6) Telling: this is where you fruitlessly try to explain everything that happened and every emotion you felt to everyone you meet. 7) Judging: This is where you look down upon everyone for being so materialistic and not being passionate about the needs of the poor. 8) Adjustment: this happens two weeks after the mission trip and represents the return of self-pity because your neighbor just got a new car and yours has nearly 50,000 miles on it.

22. “Lord, we just pray that…” This phrase should be uttered at least twenty different times throughout a public prayer. It is to show the simplicity of your requests and the humble mood in which they are asked by supplying the key word “just.” Variances such as “We just ask…,” “Lord, we just…,” “Lord we just come before you” or just “just” are also acceptable. As long as it has the word “just” in it, you should be good.

23. “Lord,” “Lord God,” “God,” and “Father God” references in prayer: This is related to the previous, but an important addition to  your understanding of public prayer. While praying, Christians will continually repeat God’s name so as to remind you and themselves to whom they are praying. Therefore, do not be surprised to hear “Lord,” “Lord God,” “Father,” or its popular variation, “Father God” at the beginning of every sentence. It sometimes will even occur multiple times in the same sentence such as the following: “Lord God, we just pray that you will be with us God during our trip God.” Pretty much, the more you say a variation of God’s name, the more spiritual you are.

24. “Hedge of protection”: This is the way to pray for the protection of a loved one. Its the primary Christian defense against demonic forces. No one really knows what a “hedge of protection” is, but everyone knows that Satan does not fair well when its presence is evoked.

25. “Pot Lucks”: Although this may be confusing considering #10, this is the one time in which Christians believe in “luck.” These are Sunday night “fellowship” dinners where everyone brings their favorite dish. Various movements within contemporary Christian history have attempted to change the name of this to “Pot blessed” with no luck. Not only has the designation “luck” been challenged, but many objections have been raised to the use of the word “pot” due to the muchies that are involved.

26. Prayer walks: These serve a double purpose. 1) They help to work off the “pot luck” and 2) they keep Christians awake during prayer. They also have been known to have a geographically positioned spiritual effect upon the tracked area.

27. “Post-Sermon Prayer”: This comes at the end of a sermon or lesson. While this is normally referred to as simply a prayer, it has a life of its own, serving primarily as an extended summary of the sermon you just heard, sometimes with additional points or applications the preacher didn’t think of during preparation.

28. “Worship”: Singing

29. “Amen”: The way to give a sense of approval to the pastor concerning his teaching. It is another way of saying, “I already agree with what you are preaching, therefore it is approved. Preach on.” Preachers who do not receive “amens” during their sermon begin to question their calling, so use them liberally.

30. “Anti-Christ”: Obama

31. “Fall Festival”: Halloween

32. Vacation Bible School: Free summertime babysitting for parents.

Your turn. Help out the beginner to Christianity.

C Michael Patton
C Michael Patton

C. Michael Patton is the primary contributor to the Parchment and Pen/Credo Blog. He has been in ministry for nearly twenty years as a pastor, author, speaker, and blogger. Find him on Patreon Th.M. Dallas Theological Seminary (2001), president of Credo House Ministries and Credo Courses, author of Now that I'm a Christian (Crossway, 2014) Increase My Faith (Credo House, 2011), and The Theology Program (Reclaiming the Mind Ministries, 2001-2006), host of Theology Unplugged, and primary blogger here at Parchment and Pen. But, most importantly, husband to a beautiful wife and father to four awesome children. Michael is available for speaking engagements. Join his Patreon and support his ministry

    96 replies to "The Beginner's Guide to Christianity: Thirty-Two Things You Need to Know Right Now"

    • mbaker

      CARNAL CHRISTIANS – originally meant worldly Christians. Today it’s a politically correct way for the church to identify liberals.

    • Dave Z

      The Lost – refers neither to the popular TV show nor to someone who mistakenly took the wrong offramp, but to anyone outside of the speaker’s immediate congregation, and probably a few inside.

      And, well, sometimes it means the TV show.

    • Luke

      “I don’t have a peace about it”

      A phrase utilized very often by Christians about decision-making and action. The underlying meaning of this is “I don’t want to” or “I don’t feel comfortable about this,” but saying the word “peace” makes it sound much more spiritual. It’s also a way to disobey the radical commands of Scripture, do what one desires, and live a life of passivity. Contexts you may hear this in are when one is contemplating going on a mission trip, starting a ministry, going on long-term missons, going into the ministry, and sharing Jesus with friends/family. When you don’t want to do something, just say this phrase. Of course, this idea can’t be found in the Scriptures. It is tough to see Jesus having a “peace” about dying on the cross while praying in Gethsemane. Nevertheless, this phrase will save you a lot of trouble as you are living the Christian life, especially if you don’t want to look like Jesus.

      “I didn’t feel led to…”

      Same as above, just another phrase to help you do what you desire without always saying the same thing. They are both good phrases for the American laissez-faire mindset.

    • Luke

      This will also help you fulfill the desires of the flesh without looking too un-Christian. Don’t want to give any money away? Now you know what to say. Don’t want to consider missions? Perfect excuse! Is your spouse zealous for Jesus and do they want you to join them? Now you can keep them tame. Don’t have any desire to help the poor? You guessed it! Do you feel uncomfortable about confronting somebody? Boo yah!

    • Drew K

      Dr. Mike,
      I was not implying there is never a place for sarcasm or that there is none in Scripture, only that we resort to it too easily. God’s placement of sarcasm in Scripture is not license. Let’s just ask ourselves if such use had serious purpose or was mere frivolity. And now for a little sarcasm of my own (to show you that I am not a killjoy):I don’t think most of us, most of the time, are as inspired as the writers of Scripture. A little motive-checking won’t hurt anyone.

    • mbaker

      RELIGIOUS SPIRIT – Not to be confused with the Holy Spirit. If you’re calling someone by the term it means they are too legalistic. However if they’re calling you that, it’s a compliment because they can obviously see how much more spiritual you are.

      I SEE JESUS IN HIM/HER – a/k/a as another Christian who always agrees with you.

    • #John1453

      Coffee: the universally accepted Christian recreational drug.

      Tea: the accepted recreational drug for Christians who are hoity toity, granola crunchers, or (for protestants) suspiciously papist (i.e., Anglicans).

      Tobacco: the regionally acceptable Christian recreational drug. Just make sure you’re partaking of it in the right region of the country, otherwise you might be seen as a backslider (see above).

      Beer: this is not a Christian recreational drug; it’s a mark of freedom in Christ.

      Alcoholic Spirits (meaning rum, whiskey, vodka etc. and not drunken ghosts): Hmmmm, do you also use prayer walks, burn candles, turn the lights down low in home church and speak of communities and conversations rather than denominations or theologies? Now we’re getting into advanced knowledge rather than knowledge for beginners, so we’ll save this lesson for a later date.

      LSD: how many Jesus People first saw God.

      Crack: Not what your plumber showed you, but Satan’s recreational drug of choice. If you start using this after joining a church, your faith was either effervescent (Calvinist view) or has been lost (Arminian view) or you have become backslidden (see above). “Effervescent” and “lost” are advanced topics, which we’ll keep to the later lessons where we also teach backstabbing and badmouthing those who have different, allegedly Christian, beliefs.

    • #John1453

      Carnal Christians: (b) not to be confused with carnivorous Christians, though if you are vegetarian you might be a backslidden Christian (see above), or unable to tell the difference between a baby and a bunny.

      Bright Line Issue: e.g., abortion, homosexuality, home schooling. Just make sure you’re on the right side of this line.

    • Luke

      Don’t know if this one has been said yet, but here goes:

      Prayer requests: acceptable Christian gossip

    • Jim

      Asking the holy spirit to come into our hearts during a church service. To come in and fill our hearts . As though he was a force and not already in a born again Christian. Leaning toward supernatural undertakings as if we should expect to see fire on top of our heads……….. My holy spirit is like some people’s belly buttons..a inner not an outer. He can’t come twice unto a man.

    • #John1453

      Church Picnic: A time when Christians can gather together and take over a local park and rudely tell squatters to get out of their permitted area so that they can have three-legged races, egg races, burn hot dogs and drink watery Kool-aid and/or Tang. Participation is essential for spiritual development, and failure to volunteer will bring a visit from the elders or pastoral staff so that they can determine if you are a backslider (see above). The trick, of course, is to raise your hand just slightly slower than everybody else. It can get dicey, though because everyone else is doing that too and no one wants to be first or last (the result is almost perfect bell curve with the pastoral suck-up first, then a few hands going up, then a bunch more hands as everyone realizes they won’t likely be called on and they don’t want to be the very last, then the lucky few with exceptional timing, and then the very last person who is then disdained by all the rest for obviously not really wanting to volunteer).

      Gambling: Cards, dice, craps, slots, the stock market, midway games, pool/billiards, etc. This will almost assuredly result in backsliding (see above) and will require a rededication service, a new filling of the Spirit, and possibly a rebaptism. Buy a thicker pair of jeans for all the kneeling in front of the “altar”. Fortunately in a second baptism you still get to wear a white robe, unlike second marriages. Technically farming is also a crapshoot, but they get exempted because it’s God rolling the dice.

      Altar: a.k.a. the pulpit. Despite the name and the alleged eating of real flesh by Catholics, this is not the place where Christians sacrifice their children to Molech. That happens at public school. Note that the carpet in front of the altar is quite worn in places. This is where you go to kneel during “altar calls”. It’s wise, therefore, to buy the expensive thick jeans on sale because you’ll want to go down their often to show how spiritual and committed you are to really meeting God. Think of the stairs to the altar as the stairs on a ziggurat that God uses to come down from heaven to meet you, because he won’t be doing that anywhere else. But don’t go down two or more times in a row, or more than twice in any one month or people will start to wonder what secret sins you have and checking under your driver’s seat floormat for forgotten Playboys.

    • J.R.

      “I was “journaling” the other night and God just told me…..”

    • mbaker

      CHRISTIAN CONFERENCE- An excuse for a getaway weekend.

      SHARING- Watch out for this one. It means there’s a wannabe pastor in your midst who is going to hog your group time. Or a couple who has gone to a conference and wants you to be as excited as they were when they forked out several hundred dollars for DVD’s, which they’re wondering what to do with now. This ranks right up there with showing videos of your grandkids.

    • John From Down Under

      “Pleading the blood” ???

      The weapon of mass destruction against demonoids!

    • mbaker

      YOU’RE DESTROYING YOUR WITNESS – Don’t worry, this isn’t about murdering somebody who is about to testify. It probably means a fellow Christian has discovered something about you that they don’t like, and it’s the Christian way to spiritualize their disapproval, so as to disguise how rude they’re being by pointing it out.

    • #John1453

      re post 64

      mbaker, how about this suggested revision to your definition:

      CHRISTIAN CONFERENCE- An excuse to foist your unruly kids on your parents so that you can take a getaway weekend that they never did.

      re post 65

      Um, John from Down Under, I’ve never heard the term “pleading the blood” and so now you’ve got me worrying about my salvation (how can I be saved if I’ve never heard that? hopefully the lack of knowledge has only stunted my spiritual growth). I’m also worried now that I may have been living with demons in my house all this time.

    • mbaker


      Don’t worry you’re only in danger of that if you’re not a Benny Hinn fan. He wrote a whole book about it. Besides if ‘pleading the blood’ doesn’t work, you can always ‘put on your armor’.

    • John From Down Under


      You obviously haven’t rubbed shoulders with many Pentecostals and charismaniacs. The word is that the devil runs away scared when you mention Jesus’s blood.

      We Aussies imported all these clichés from the Yanks so somebody, somewhere in the USA must have started the trend.

    • Michael L


      Technically farming is also a crapshoot, but they get exempted because it’s God rolling the dice

      Ok…. you got me laughing at my desk now…thanks.. I needed it 😉


    • mbaker

      BUT IF THE LORD TARRIES – The Christian version of the old saying “Better late than never.”

    • Lisa Robinson

      mbaker, I tried to explain to someone that we no longer have to tarry for the Holy Spirit like they did in Acts 2 because it was the introduction of the indwelling of the Spirit. He wouldn’t believe me to which I said ‘Tarry on’

    • Lisa Robinson

      Dr. Mike (#48), you forgot my fave – Gal 5:12

      “I wish that those who are troubling you would even mutilate themselves”….can somebody say oooouuuuccccch

    • mbaker


      Love it! I think we’ve got the beginnings for a best selling Christian book on this thread.

    • mbaker

      SECULAR – Just about everything fun in life.

    • Luke


      #66 (destroying witness) and #75 are spot on! Touche!

    • #John1453

      post #7 on “church” is absolutely classic and appropriate satire!

      I think that CMP’s # 30 on the anti christ should be changed to: “Anti-Christ: This year it’s Obama.”

    • John From Down Under

      While you’re all asleep (hot, humid and sunny down here), I remembered “on fire for God” that denotes spiritual pyromania. Some sort of ‘zeal barometer’ that tracks how many times you mention God’s name in a conversation and participation in ‘spiritual activity’

      And those who have been unfortunate enough (like moi) to mix with charismaniacs, may have come across the “bathing in His presence” Christianese. Code talk for feeling great about yourself, getting the goosebumps, teary-eyed, new-agey inner peace and all sorts of abstract euphoric bliss.

      Similarly “I had a touch from the Lord” is my excuse for uncontrollable emotions and inexplicable behavior.

    • Michael

      To those who may find this sort of thread mean-spirited or sarcastic, someone once said that if you learn to laugh at yourself, you’ll always be wearing a smile. I also learned that if I don’t take myself too seriously and laugh at myself, others laugh WITH me, not AT me.

      For instance:

      If you are REALLY spiritual, you’ll follow along with the annual broadcast of “The Ten Commandments” with your Bible in hand, pointing out any mistakes. (Yes, I actually did that one time, and laugh at myself now every time I think of it!)

      And, don’t forget to prefix your “prayer request” with, “Now, I love Brother/Sister ______, but…” This phrase, especially when used in conjunction with #25 above, makes you even more spiritual.

      And, finally, to amend #62: Gambling, the act of risking a small amount of money on a game of chance to gain a greater amount of money, is sin. Buying a raffle ticket for #1 and risking a small amount of money on a game of chance to gain a quilt, is spiritual.

    • J.R.

      Central campus: Suit, tie, dresses, pew’s, organ, piano, and hymnals.

      Satellite campus: Tee shirts, shorts, no pew’s, entire band set, power point.

      If you attend both the same day, wear slacks but un-tuck your shirt at the satellite campus.

    • Eric Wright

      “Let me pray about that” the person really doesn’t want to tell you “no” so this will buy them enough time to blame their response on God.

      “You have the gift of serving” means “Go over there and help them stack those chairs.”

    • Houghton

      My contribution:

      “Brother” or “Sister” – obligatory reference to a fellow Christian (unless they’re Catholic) that you must make whether you feel any emotional kinship or not. More recently this has been shortened to “bro” or “sis” in more casual American evangelical circles, as in “Hey bro, how’s your quiet time going? Have you been in the Word?”

      The entries about “just” and “Father God” remind me that evangelicals all too often are quick to criticize more liturgical traditions and form prayers, when really their informal prayers have become a liturgy and form in and of themselves.

      Thanks for this. I became a Christian three years ago on my own out of the context of a church after reading the Gospel, Bonhoeffer, C.S. Lewis and Thomas a Kempis.

      I’ve since been on a whirlwind excursion through “Churchianity” and found it disheartening. There have been times when I’ve been angry, but the humor here reminds me that it’s all just window dressing, that I shouldn’t get distracted by it.

      And that I should get back to the heart of why I became a Christian in the first place which is “just” Jesus (see #15).

    • C. Barton

      How about, “Rededicate your Life to God” . . . I was always puzzled about that one. Rededication seems often to have an expiration date.
      I like Jesus’ sense of humor, too. Yes, I think He laughed, but it was a holy and sanctified laugh. We’ve all heard about the “Camel through the eye of a needle . .”, but how about when the Pharisee asked Him, “Hey, why don’t your followers wash their hands huh? Gotcha!”, so Jesus said, “Why don’t you and your followers wash your hearts?” BAM!!! I can almost hear Peter snickering in the background.
      Or the time when the eminent Bible scholars went to Jesus and asked Him to make the children stop praising Him (according to the Psalms), and Jesus asked, “What’s the matter, don’t you read the Bible?” Duh!
      So, He used humor, I think, to illustrate the absurdity of our religious pride – and this is a big part of it: pride of knowledge or of religion can take a lot of fun out of just being with someone. Thank God that Jesus isn’t that way with us!

    • Vincent Pinto

      Don’t know if someone else has written this…

      When the phrase “in Jesus’ name” especially appears after four or five sentences of a prayer said aloud in the presence of others:

      A means to hint to the others that I am about to be done, and that all should say A…men!

    • C. Barton

      Near the top of my list is, “[BLANK] is (are) going to HELL . .”. Whoa! Wait a minute, we don’t know who is going to Hell do we? Really?
      Oh, no, Chris (one might explain), you don’t understand, I mean are all [non-Christian group] going to He . .”, which I would rather boorishly interrupt and say, “Oh, you mean if someone follows a worldly religion and rejects Jesus, and keeps on rejecting Him until death, will THAT person go?”
      So, you see the dilemma. We have this awesome, terrible capacity called the ability to change our minds, and many will do so to the glory of Christ.

    • Doc B

      #20 (Gentle hand squeeze at end of prayer)- This is WAAAY more complicated than what it means at my church.

      At my church, it means, “The prayer is over. Let go of my hand.”

    • Doc B

      #22 (“just”)- Where I live (West Texas), it’s “jist”.

    • Doc B

      #24 (‘hedge of protection’) And then there are the denomination-specific euphimisms-

      Southern Baptist- “traveling mercies”

      church of Christ- “guide, guard, and direct us”

      Presbyterian- “rule and overrule”

      How many more are there?

    • C. Barton

      Sometimes the Foursquare get into, “Rebuking and binding the Enemy in the name of Jesus (or Christ, or Jesus Christ)”, but if I were them I wouldn’t go looking for trouble (ha!).
      I remember being told to, “Let go and let God . . “, which thankfully was not expounded while I was driving.
      Walk by Faith, not by sight!

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    • Michael

      It should also be noted that, just as in all families, I can poke a little fun at, and have fun poked at me by, my brothers/sisters, but if someone OUTSIDE the family makes fun of my brothers/sisters then I come to their defense.

      After all, that’s what makes us family, right?

    • bil_

      #29. “Amen”: The way to give a sense of approval to the pastor concerning his teaching. It is another way of saying, “I already agree with what you are preaching, therefore it is approved. Preach on.”

      This one had me rolling!! 😀 Thanks for the laugh. Here’s a couple more:

      “as the band/worship team/choir/etc. comes up…”: This is a mental cue from the Pastor that you can tune back in, wake up, and begin gathering your things, ’cause it’s almost over (finally!).

      “culturally relevant”: A sign to folks who hate Christians that we hate them too, except, well, we are Christians…but not THAT kind.

      “real”: an adjective that creates another level of sincerity to the group/person being spoken of while simultaneously denigrating several other groups/people who claim to be that but, obviously, aren’t (really).

    • Kaaryn

      Another variant on #24: ark of safety

      related to KJV being Bible Jesus used, also only acceptable prayer language for some, as evidenced by he sudden proliferation of “thee”s and “thou”s when in prayer

      definitely concur with the “thy will be done” caveat…another sanctified excuse is reminding all that one was “born and ahapen in iniquity” (never mind that pesky “born again” thing that would presumably trump)

      reminder that “God is a God of order” usually invoked by “governors” or non-hand raisers (#18) to remind “full throttlers” of the definition of worship (#28), not to be confused with that cacophony in Revelation! [related: “reverance”=silence/stillness]

      “God is good…” Not meant for actual reflection, but rather an automated response of “…all the time.” Then followed by reversal; “And all the time…God is good.” if response is not properly enthusiatic the first time, congregation may be made to repeat this exercise multiple times

      “As we tarry a little longer…” indication that prayer is nowhere near “in Jesus name” or hand squeeze

    • C. Barton

      As an interesting sidelight, I once heard that the thee’s and thou’s of the King James was a grammatical translation of the tenses in the original Greek – in other words, there are pronouns which denote intimacy, much like the Spanish “tu”, which is not used in polite or formal speech. We have lost this formal grammar in our modern English, and it was not the normal English back then in 1611, either. Just a fidelity to the original text.
      So, get thee behind me, grammar police!

    • Mark 13:31

      “Water baptism”
      What one participates in -at a “One God Pentecostal” church- while seated in the first row.

    • Stuart

      Prayer warrior

      Bathed in prayer

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