This is one of those rare personal posts from me. But having written about my singleness here and here, I thought this was a good place to share some more thoughts on the subject, especially given this particular point in my life and the fact that I know I am not alone. There are many like me are in the predicament of desiring marriage yet maintaining contentment in singleness, a task that I have personally found challenging at times.
This is also one of the posts that I would always find myself hating to read. The kind that slaps down lofty ideas of future nuptials, strangles the notion of granted promises and spotlights the idolatrous inclinations of wandering hearts. For many, there is a desire to mate and find that lifelong partner. In our evangelical churches, marriage is touted, promoted and honored and rightly so. But I fear that so much attention can forge existing eagerness into a penetrating need that so grips our being, no other solution would proffer. For sure, I have experienced this.
The bible makes much of marriage and the fact that mating should be endemic in our nature. God saw to it that the first man would not be lonely and created a very special creature just for him, citing the oneness that would be foundational for that marital union (Genesis 2:18-25). The apostle Paul indicates that singleness is a gift not shared by all, inferring that desire. He describes a beautiful parallel of husband and wife with Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:22-33). Unless one was inclined towards singleness, who would not want that? The author of Hebrews indicates that marriage is to be held in high esteem by all (Hebrews 13:4). And then there is the Song of Songs, but let’s not go there. Yes, it does seem that desires are validated by scripture. I myself have considered these passages to be proof that internal desires matched with prayerful expectation should eventually yield that godly mate I have so desired.
However, the bible also presents scenarios where this is not the case. There are widows and virgins. Paul tells Timothy that widows should focus on fulfilling their duty to their children (1 Timothy 5:4). He also told the church at Corinth that marriage will necessitate divided attention (1 Corinthians 7:32-35) and that one should look to be content in the place where God called them (vv 21-24) . While not explicitly stated, I have to imagine that in the early NT church, there were many who desired marriage or like me, were widowed and freed from unpleasant choices made apart from Christ and desiring a marital scenario that was Christ centered and personally satisfying. Nonetheless, the encouragement is the same – be content in whatever state you find yourselves in.
It is not pleasant when the deepest yearnings of your heart go unfulfilled and especially if we’re surrounded by others who are granted the privilege that we long should fall on us. Proverbs 13:12 has resonated with me quite often, about deferred hope. But that’s where examination must take place, and how tightly desires have wrapped themselves around the heart. Idolatry is an insidious odor in the nostrils of God who longs to breathe sweet sacrifices of worshipful lives devoted to Him. It is not because He withholds, but because what He grants is fitting for his purpose, glory and honor. That might make us earthly losers but precious heavenly winners.
There are no guarantees to the believer in Christ only that they belong to Him and can expect enjoyment with Him forever. My fellow blogger, Daniel Eaton over on Theologica reminded me of that with his post here, that life may not turn out as expected. And that takes us to the place of hard choices, to examine, confront and let go, to say if we have food an clothes, that shall be sufficient. Whatever is gripped tightly has to be held loosely lest the noose of expectation lead to a self-consumed occupation, or worse disastrous decisions that would undermine the very fabric of our Christian life. That prison is a far cry from the freedom that Christ has provided through his sacrificial death and resurrected life. Besides, marriage is not the panacea for discontentment, a fact I’m sure many married couples can attest to.
The bottom line is that I don’t know if God will ever grant my desire, but I do know I should not worry about it any longer. What he has granted must be embraced, Himself, His son, the guaranteed indwelling of the Holy Spirit who provides spiritual gifts to demonstrate what He has provided, His provision and His people. I may not find happiness with a mate but there is sure to be joy with attention paid towards Him. And that is where it behooves us to focus, because God never promised us a mate.
67 replies to "God Never Promised Us a Mate"
This subject has been near and un-dear to my heart for quite a while. I recently turned 40 and have been single my entire life. After having spent my entire life being treated as worthless by every woman I ever cared about; after seeing every slime ball, moron, pervert and liar being given chance after chance; after a lifetime of them being the better choice than me; I come to a different conclusion.
The God who allows this to continue in my life is not worthy of my worship, service or even respect. I’m done.
Clarence,
Trust me when I say your response resonates with me. I have often wondered the same thing when I see others get what my heart has longed for most and wondered why God did not deem me worthy of such blessings. I would hate it when people would encourage me with words such as I’ve written in this post, which many times were tantamount to scraping nails across the board.
All I can say is that there is a purpose in it all and we don’t necessarily have to understand all the reasons why. God is worthy because He is God, because He is creator and father, because He sent His son to pay a debt that we could never pay, because He is merciful and compassionate even if it seems that doesn’t always play out to our standards. The same God you say is unworthy of your worship is the same God who gives us life and the same God you will eventually have to confront. We do have a choice in our perspective and in our response to Him, Clarence. But know that he enables his own, most often in weakness to demonstrate His strength when we think we can’t stand another minute of it.
Why not try eharmony? You guys are making this too difficult when it doesn’t have to be. Clarence, I think your priorities are in the wrong place. You’re going to quit God because you don’t have a girlfriend.
You sound like your 13 years old instead of 40 years old.
I was a wallflower until I was 30 years old. I learned that I was trying to hard so I stopped caring and my life changed for the better.
Oh, and please don’t join a Christian singles group.
Okay, hope this helps. God bless!
Bill, I think you missed the point of the post. Sometimes the better solution might be to not try anything but just to focus on life as it is.
And that response to Clarence was kind of harsh, don’t you think?
There is nothing that can replace a marriage relationship and at the risk of getting booed I’ll say..God never promised a mate but he did promise not to leave us comfortless. One of the many blessings of being a Christian is the immediate kinship we have. Everywhere we go we find a sibling, a relationship intact upon first meeting. Often times I sense another Christian before they even reveal it. We are not, or should not be, lonely.. because of that provision. In many ways the bond and connection to other believers who are indwelt by the Holy Spirit is a much greater bond because it will endure on into eternity, marriage and spouses will not. That does not totally make up for the loss of affection in the here and now, but it is a close knit relationship those outside of Christ have no inkling of ..God did provide for us and he did not leave us without comfort. When he left the Holy Spirit came and we all gained one another. None of us, if we are in Christ are alone.
Kim (Cadis),
No boos here only a hearty amen. Sometimes we can focus so much on what we don’t have that we fail to appreciate what we do have.
I agree with Clarence a little . I see women with all kinds of jerks but they won’t give a guy like me a second look. I even bargained with God that I’d be a super Christian if He’d just send that special someone into my life.
I remember reading a story in one of the Gospels when Jesus was a boy where Mary and Joseph are searching for him, and upon finding him he says, ‘Don’t you know I have to be about my Father’s business?”
It dawned on me that every thing that I did was not for God’s glory but to “get a woman”. Did I really trust God or was I only willing trust Him if He meet conditions that I put forth.
And now I don’t care if I ever meet that special someone. I don’t mean that cynically. I am just enjoying where God has put me right now in my life, and I am excited where God will lead me. If I am to be single for the rest of my life, so be it. If not, that’s okay too.
I’m not sure if that is a correct application for that passage but it works for me.
Lisa – I’m not sure i completely understand your post…i’ve read it a few times and am still not quite clear. You respond to Bill, saying “Sometimes the better solution might be to not try anything but just to focus on life as it is”. I guess i just don’t undertand the practical application of this statement.
Does it mean that if getting married doesn’t come ‘easy’ then it might not be part of God’s plan?
If so, i think i disagree. I certainly agree with your point that we should not make an idol out of our desire for a mate, but where is the line between idolterous desire and healthy desire? I guess a situation where somebody has been trying unsuccesfully to find a husband or wife could be interpreted in at least 2 ways:
1) It is God’s plan for me to be single
2) For some reason i’m not as effective at finding a mate as others might be
I’m not sure if it is helpful to have a default belief that the first option is the reality of any situation, and as a result give up on trying to find a mate. Instead, maybe it makes sense to improve ‘mate finding tactics’ and keep trying.
Regardless, i do believe that one can be content in singleness while still actively looking for a mate…i don’t think the two are mutually exclusive.
Thanks for writing on this topic!
Micah
Lisa,
You mention that singleness is a gift. Could you mention where you see that in Scripture. I see that Paul says that sexual self-control is a gift given to some (1 Cor 7:7,9), but I don’t believe that is the same thing as a gift of singleness.
Micah,
No, I would not say that contentment in singleness and actively looking be mutually exclusive. Nor am I implying that resorting to acceptance of singleness is a product of failed attempts (although Lord knows I’ve had those too). I think its more a matter of the heart and that’s where the topic of the post hits. There is nothing wrong with a healthy desire but we need to be careful that it is not an idolatrous desire. I don’t think I’m saying that we give up on the desire, although I have personally known people who have, but that its not going to be all consuming or distracting such that its something we feel like we need. Does that make sense?
Bill,
Yes I see those as one in the same because Paul had previously mentioned that due to the lack of restraint, it is good to marry. The inferrence is not all have the ability to control themselves, which does not make them ideally suited for singleness. The ones that can are suited for singleness and Paul is encouraging those to think about how that position can leveraged to serve the Lord without the distractions. So when he says gift, it is the ability to be productive for the Lord in one capacity or the other. The same word, charisma, is used for spiritual gifts as well.
Hi Lisa,
Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your Biblical insight. I appreciate that you have addressed such an important topic. I think you have uncovered a really important reality. When we talk about marriage and finding a mate we realize that we are discussing something that runs deep into the core of our being. This is one of the few topics which runs so deep that it reflects our view of God. This does not only affect our view of God, but how we believe God views us. I know so many median-age and older singles and their prolonged singleness is the disappointing result of unanswered prayers, dashed false hopes, and the misguided advice of well-meaning married people. The real problem is how should singles interpret their God and their value in their present state?
As a man in ministry I work with a lot of men and women who are divorced, divorcing or in miserable marriages. Happy marriages are few and far between and those are a lot of work. So marriage is not a panacea for loneliness, because some of the loneliest people I know are married.
Second the value of single people needs to be revised in the church. Up until the Reformation singleness was a valued calling and even thought to be a path towards greater sanctification. Now a single person is considered sub-christian. Thus one’s identity becomes one of rejection and not of love towards Christ. Even our churches would rarely consider bringing on a full-time senior pastor if he were single. This is a travesty, because most churches want a married pastor who is willing to sacrifice his family for the work of the ministry.
Above all else we as believers should caution ourselves from tying conditions and stipulations on our love and trust for God. Whether he brings us a mate, provides a baby, grants us success in the endeavors we pray for or none of these come true; unconditional love and trust is unconditional.
Lisa,
Loneliness tends to be one of the hardest obstacles to deal with in singleness and it often makes one feel as though they are helpless in finding true love. My aging mother could share your feelings as she yearns for another spouse. Yet, being alone has a special solace and space to it as well, as it is a place where you can relax your mind and find deep peace with the Lord. Jesus Himself often sought isolated places to be alone and pray (Lk 5:16).
However, I realize seeking space and living alone without a spouse on a continued basis is entirely different things because your space is always alone. After becoming a Christian life, I grew up with one thing on my mind: finding true love, only to have it evade me over and over again like chasing the wind which this song would define me perfectly until age 28 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Q7OypZp7rU.
Gleaning your heart on your sleeve, and in response to this: But I fear that so much attention can forge existing eagerness into a penetrating need that so grips our being, no other solution would proffer. For sure, I have experienced this. I wanted to share in sympathy with your situation as a Christian, this little nugget experienced in my life many years ago with a view to my discernment that God has something to say to you from something I experienced in my life and only you can know what that is.
In the above song, I found a lot of theology (irrespective of the writers goals for the song) for the way I had my eyes so focused on experiencing true love and trying to make someone care about me, that I made several bad choices and became distracted away from God’s plan for me concerning the Gospel. The funny thing is, you must know God has a lot of humor. Why do I say humor? Continued in the next post….
Continued — Because as you may see in my experience, the very thing I wanted most after I became a Christian at age 21 and was out alone on my own desiring the Proverbs 31 woman, God kept it out in front of me, evading me just like the wind, you can feel it blowing and chase it endlessly, but you can never reach it as it is always out of reach.
In all of this, I rarely had steady relationships which seemed to make the loneliness and valentine’s day and all of those special days that much harder to bare and after years of “chasin the wind” I was finally engaged but still “chasin the wind” in a very Pentecostal based church to a woman who loved other men but not me. I had her, but I didn’t have her, I gave her my heart, but I didn’t have her heart. “You can’t really say it’s over when it never really had begun.” You see, God allowed me to begin relationships in my mind that weren’t real even though they were real people. God wanted all of me and all of me focused on him.
He knew the desire of my heart was to be married and I really believe (though some may differ) that there are people who have the gift of singleness, but others like me, my mother, little brother, and others, I truly believe are designed for the marriage relationship and that desire is part of God’s plan in one’s life. And so, I agree with you that God never promised us a mate and for those of us that come to understand that and get focused on Him, if a mate is our hearts desire, I believe he will reward that desire in His timing and for His purposes.
When I finally learned how to lift up my hands toward the sky and let things go – my plans and my way and my vision of who my wife should be, I found a deeper relationship and understanding of our Savior than I had ever known before and again found my eyes focused on the true prize: the Gospel. Conclusion in next post. Either this site is character challenged or I’m just too long winded 🙂
Conclusion:
You know it is true; you can’t reach the sea if you can’t get past the sand. But once you get past the sand, there’s that wind again, except it’s not evading, but blowing right in your face and you can’t tell where it comes from only that it came. And this wind, she’s been my loving wife for almost 17 wonderful years.
I’m not saying this has anything to do with your life in any respect, only that I feel God wanted to speak to you from it in His own way as I know it will speak to others as wells hopefully and give them hope in an awesome loving God who cares for us.
And as Kim said well, as I too have recognize many times the very thing she noted concerning this perichoretic connectedness that exists within the body of Christ; in how we have this immediate kinship in that we all share together in fellowship with one another. My prayers will be with you as I’m convinced that God will accomplish His will in your life according to His purposes and in His timing, and will reward you in a way that you never knew possible once you reach the sea – Shalom.
David, how beautifully expressed that was. And yes, that resonates with me deeply. I will share further.
I have been widowed since 2004. Now don’t hang your head too fast. I was not like I lost the love of my life or anything like that. In fact, the 7 year marriage was a very harsh existence for me – it was unequally yoked and marked with unkindness and my husband’s illness for 5 years. After he passed, I longed for that ‘right’ relationship and had a couple of failed attempts. After a friend challenged me on how I read the bible, I became focused on studying, which led to a doctrinal paradigm shift, church change, study of theology proper, and eventual steps to seminary.
It was not until I was moving to Dallas that the very strong desire came upon me. Since day one of being here, I was placed in a fishbowl of sorts watching couple after couple hook up, get engaged and tie the knot. In the meantime, there were incidences that occurred that highlighted my rather trouble past and feeling alone and vulnerable (telling my life story for spiritual formation, getting inappropriately complimented by a married classmate, apartment fire, and robbery at gunpoint). It felt like a cruel joke at times that I should have this burning desire for a mate and one that would vindicate past transgressions only to be put in a position to be surrounded by everyone else get it. Sometimes, it was unbearable. I also hated the fact that my son did not have a father and wanted so desperately for him to have that permanent godly male figure in his life.
During that time, I have come across singles who had a much different attitude. Sure they would like marriage, but they were also content with their Lord such that the absence did not seem to bother them. I could not imagine being in such a place until now. Being on the tail end of another unfortunate choice, that attitude makes more sense to me now. There have also been reoccurring themes of idolatry something which I don’t believe is coincidental. I for sure have put myself in a prison with my desires and recognized that I really needed to unwind the tight grip they have had on my heart. My son and myself will be just fine. God is faithful and will provide what we need, as he has already.
So thanks once again for sharing that. It makes perfect sense to me. And for future reference, there is a 3,000 character limit on posts. So try to get everything you need to say in one. It’s the perfect way to challenge our editing skills 😉
Speaking from experience, singleness can be a gift, particularly as it opens up to you activities that ‘taken’ people can’t really perform.
I was single for a time in my life which enabled me to focus on my studies and teaching career. I won’t lie to you that it wasn’t painful at times, but it was in those same times that I drew nearer to God and experienced His comfort and strength.
I would say that most of my single friends, and I’m generalizing here, are single out of choice. They don’t want to be tied down. Others take themselves out of the running because their expectations are too high. Still others won’t date because of bad personal experiences or problems (debt problems or health issues).
It really is a complex problem and one that requires compassion and care. My prayer is for those who want to marry that God will grant your desire in His time.
Dear All,
I learned this as i was studying ten commandments and the main commentary i used for reference was Philip Ryken, Preaching the word series and many others so some excerpts which would be useful in this regard
Prior to the Reformation, the church generally regarded sex – even within marriage – as a necessary evil. Some quotes from the early church fathers
•Tertullian regarded the extinction of the human race as preferable to procreation.
•Ambrose said that married couples ought to be ashamed of their sexuality.
•Augustine was willing to admit that intercourse might be lawful but taught that sexual passion was always a sin.
•Many priests had counselled couples to abstain from sex altogether.
The Catholic Church began to prohibit sex on certain holy days, so that by the time of Martin Luther, the list had grown to 183 days a year. Thank God for the Reformation, this began to restore sexual sanity by celebrating the physical act of lovemaking within marriage. ‘The Puritan doctrine of sex was a watershed in the cultural history of the West. The Puritans
• Devalued celibacy (or brought it to proper level)
• Glorified companionate marriage
• Affirmed married sex as both necessary and pure
• Established the ideal of wedded romantic love
• Exalted the role of the wife
In other words, they promoted a more Biblical view of human sexuality.
Continues
People should get married (only in case of exceptions, i.e. by the will of God, he/she can choose celibacy, but again it’s a gift of God): The following verses will give us a brief idea on the importance of marriage
a.Marriage is a divine institution by which God makes permanent, through two people who decisively and publically leave their parents, in order to form a new unit of society and then ‘become one flesh’(Gen 2: 22-24; 1:28).
b.Marriage is God yoking two people together into a union which man must not break. Rather he should learn to love and forgive each other and to be peacemakers in every situation of strife and discord.
c. Marriage is more than finding the right person. It is being the right person. And so we must practice thoughtful self denial.
d.Jesus Christ honoured marriage with His presence. The first miracle he did was at a marriage, where he turned the ‘water into wine.’ (John 2:1-12)
Lisa,
Yes, my editing skills are challenged – LOL! I knew God was speaking to me so I’m overjoyed it was useful to you.
Well here is a rather poignant response I received off-line from a friend, which is along the same vein of Duane’s comment. She writes
I think there is a lot of truth to this and I have experienced it myself. So if you already have that desire to marry, the marginalization only emphasizes it, I think.
(the “Catholic Micah” here – I saw a comment above by another “Micah”!)
I wonder what people think about Matthew 19:12 in this connection; Jesus seems to be pretty clearly ascribing not-insignificant value to chosen celibacy to the end of furthering the work of the Kingdom. But when has anyone ever heard anyone in this day and age even suggesting that that might be an option? Instead, if you’re not married you’re nobody, all singles are presumed to be “looking” and meanwhile aching for the day when they’ll be given their “sex license” (marriage certificate). I know because I’ve been there. Jesus’ teachings in Matthew 19 could be ripped right of the Bible for good, and the current widespread Christian disposition toward marriage would be completely unaffected.
(All this is the case, EXCEPT, it is worth mentioning, in the Catholic Church – the one place where Jesus’ teachings on this are given any attention whatsoever. There, you have the priesthood and “religious” life (monks and nuns), where chosen celibacy is specifically consecrated and encouraged. There, the sacrament of marriage is chosen freely rather than monomaniacally presumed, and being single doesn’t mean people have to wonder “what’s wrong with you”. Even one who is staunchly anti-Catholic on every other score has to see the value, and SANITY, in this.)
Not only has it seemed as though single people are marginalized but they are told by some pastors in very explicit terms that they are selfish because they are single. It can seem as though some of the same pastors who would tell the unmarried that the reason they aren’t married yet is because maybe they have made an idol of marriage can ALSO be the same pastors who set up marriage as the measure of practical godliness. Did you worship the thing we put on a pedestal? Well, how dare you do that? You’re supposed to worship Jesus. And, by the way, if you don’t repent and become a responsible married person like me soon then, well, you’re disobeying Jesus by defying His divinely ordained purpose for men and women, which is marriage.
In counseling jargon the above is what is sometimes called a double-bind and I have seen this become so rampant in evangelical culture that a few former evangelicals I know have simply abandoned the faith because of it. Usually the reasoning goes “I have needs [i.e. for sex] and God isn’t providing a way so I’m going to abandon God.” What can tend to happen is that bitter never-married men tend to externalize failure on to women or other men whom they envy and women (I speak broadly) seem encouraged by evangelicals (or simply volunteer) to internalize failure. Are these folks embracing marriage-as-salvation instead of Christ? Some of them, maybe, but I find it impossible to consider them entirely to blame.
I could write a lot about this because I am close friends with mostly married people (a fact that my mother frets about because she wishes I knew single women). Having lived in extended family settings of various kinds for about half of my 36 years I have seen the day-to-day rituals and habits of married life and invariably I have seen never-marrieds idealize married life. They think about fun dates and sex and cute children and emotional comfort. They don’t think about the possibility of chronic illness (physical or mental).
They don’t think about unexpected medical expenses or economic trends that tend toward women out-earning men (this could become a much bigger deal than a lot of staunchly complementarian men realize when they insist on marrying a woman who lets him be the breadwinner when, in our day and age, odds could be very high she’ll outearn him the rest of their natural lives). And virtually nobody considers the possibility of marrying someone with any kind of addiction or history of abuse (either as an abuser or as the abused or, as can happen, both).
Most of them don’t consider the possibility of persistent conflict with in-laws (or their own parents!) about politics or religion. In my immediate family alone I could refer to an Antiochian Orthodox sister, a more or less Reformed Baptist brother, and I’m basically Presbyterian. We’re all moderate conservatives in politics and yet we frequently have clashes with my more neo-conservative parents and avoid discussing dispensationalist eschatology with my brother-in-law’s parents. Perhaps among the many reasons I have avoided even dating is because I have observed all these things in my family history and have concluded that for the time being marriage is not all that evangelicals make it out to be. I am still very much for the flesh and blood marriages of my family and friends but too many people covet what they think marriage is and not real marriage. Rant done (maybe?).
Micah N.,
Actually one of the profs at DTS is single by choice and promotes biblical celibacy for the sake of single-focus on kingdom work. And he is far from Roman Catholic.
Lisa,
that’s very surprising indeed, and highly exceptional. I’m sure that the overwhelming majority of evangelical Christians go through their whole lives without ever hearing someone even broach the possibility, much less endorse it wholeheartedly.
There, there, Lisa… why the long face? 🙁
[…] was a great blog post on Reclaimingthemind.org that is entitled God-never-promised-us-a-mate/ that convicted me. There was another fantastic article here: […]
Of course this is a very interesting subject. For starters yes, I am single. I have read the entire Bible more than several times. The most overwhelming evidence is; there is “no” evidence of God giving a specific promise of a mate. I know there are countless pastors and preachers that will preach God is a matchmaker and will “bless” a true believer with a mate but, unfortunately that specific concept is not in the Bible. Since true love of another human is not promised, it is crucial to avoid the need to preach the contrary. In other words, “Hey folks, God doesn’t give out husbands and wives.” “Deal with it.”
Well, anyone that has been in love, wants it. I know there are folks that say singleness is a gift. The strange thing is all the people that make that statement are married. LOL go figure. Let’s be real
here; everybody on this earth desires true love along with the physical affection and sex that goes along with it.
“Let’s be real here; everybody on this earth desires true love along with the physical affection and sex that goes along with it.”
Jack, very true. Although I have come across singles here and there who are perfectly content and have no interest. But for the rest of us, I think it come down to what you have just stated. It’s funny how I hear so many messages that indicate we were designed for relationship. So it seems to me that we would be hungry for the most intimate one, especially a Christ-centered one where he is glorified through the meeting of two diverse individuals.
sometimes i feel as if God is really punishing me for not having a love life like so many very lucky men and women have, especially having a family together which i certainly would had wanted too. now that i go out so much, it is very hard to meet a good woman for me again after being married for 15 years and having my wife that cheated on me. the women are much more nastier to talk too, and will walk away from me when i try to start a conversation with the one that i am attracted too. loneliness is a very serious thing for many of us men that really hate being alone, and many women can handle it better since they are the stronger sex. i know other men that have the same problem like me too. I hope with the help of God i will be able to meet a good woman again to share my life with. my aunt and uncle just celebrated their 65th year together, and i am very happy to be there.
i have always longed for a soul mate and, have always believed the many scriptures that point toward receiving your heart’s desire, from THE God of love. Only to watch (not as in completely idle) as my life passed by, and I remained alone. It wasn’t for lack of seeking God, or lack of service, fellowship, or prayer. I had sin my life but, always attempted to return to a Godly walk (by Gods grace). Instead, I am now approaching old age and, my heart’s desire is unmet. It is sad.
I think everyone has to realize that God is not a matchmaker. There is no specific scripture that says that he is. Not one. Also, God cannot alter, change, or override free will. Freewill was initiated by God at the Garden of Eden. Hence that is the reason God is not a matchmaker. It is all about free will. If you didn’t get married too bad. It isn’t God’s fault. God doesn’t have anything to do with it.
If you did get married great but, please do not post on this thread. You have no clue about this subject. I know you will say, I was single once. Yeah but you ain’t single now LOL. Hence your comments are totally irrelevant on this subject. Remember check the scriptures. Scot, it is a shame that you were taught false doctrine. God is not in the mate business.
Lisa, the reason there are so many messages about God being a matchmaker is simple. First all these guys/gals preaching these messages are married. Second they are on staff and have bills to pay, families to raise. Hence they preach heresy that God is a matchmaker. Of course the message is not scriptural and is of course is not in the Bible. However the message sounds good and they keep their job and pick up their paychecks.
We should be careful how we word things. To say that if one prays that God send her or him a mate is no different than asking for a good door of employment to be open or whatever specific requests we may ask. Certainly Jesus did say to ask in prayer for the things we desire or would you charge him with heresy. That does not negate human responsibility or action only recognizing that God is able to do more than we can ask or think. Let’s give him some more credit than that.
There are no scriptures to support that concept Lisa.
There are no scriptures to support asking God for things in prayer? Are you sure about that?
There are no specific scriptures that support God is a matchmaker. Regarding prayer and what God can do, I covered that in my previous posts. Read it over.
why should certain men and women be blessed by God to have met one another and have a family, and why not us? that i will never understand at all. does the word SPECIAL appear on their foreheads?, and i would really like to know since i am no different than they are. a STRAIGHT man like me would love very much to have a woman to share my life with, don’t you agree? makes very sense to me. and why should i have to be alone when i shouldn’t have to be? i always wanted to meet the right woman to have a family just like so many VERY EXTREMELY LUCKY straight men and women have together which is certainly normal. it is just not fair at all, and i am sure that many of you will certainly agree with me on this. God made men and women to be together, and that is the way it should be. i never would have been here if it wasn’t for my mother and father. I certainly have a right to address my opinion since being alone is very depressing for many of us nowadays. it is really sad that i wasn’t born much sooner since women were a lot different years ago and they were much easier to meet, and i would had met the right woman back then to have a family that i always wanted to have. now that there are much more Gay Women nowadays, boy is it certainly very hard meeting a good one now.
Mark, The answer to your question is quite simple. God does not put people together. God is not a matchmaker. There are no specific scriptures that back up the concept that God is a matchmaker. I realize that all churches/pastors/preachers will tell you otherwise but, it ain’t in the Bible. The reason is ,as I mentioned, God cannot, override, change, or alter anyone’s free will. Free will is a gift that God gave man/woman at the garden of eden. Once God gives something, he can’t take it back. Otherwise God would be a liar. That is another thing God can’t do. He can’t lie.
Regarding the married people. These people exercised their free will. They both enjoyed being together and they made a free will choice to get married.
Of course the next question is why some people are not that fortunate. I believe the answer is in this scripture; Ecclesiastes 9:11
I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all.
Just remember that being alone is certainly no fun at all for many of us. Cancer kills you quicker, and loneliness is a very slow and painful death.
John, there are a number of specific ways in which we pray for God to intervene that are not mentioned in Scripture. If we have no expectation for his intervention then why are there so many commands in Scripture to pray? Just because there is not a verse that specifically says ‘pray and God will send you a mate’ does not mean that he doesn’t orchestrate events and move in the hearts of people so such that people who would make a good team together, encounter each other. The same goes for anything else in life where we ask for God’s guidance and hand to move. To say that God is not in the business of matchmaking (or making any other provision for that matter) sorely undermines his omnipotence and sovereignty. Otherwise, we should not expect him to intervene in anything at all and be content with Deism or Fatalism.
I was married at one time before she cheated on me which i was a very loving and caring husband that was very much committed to her as well, but it wasn’t good enough for her. Women today are much more unfriendly than ever which does add to the problem, and i am sure that many of you other men will certainly agree with me too. There are just too many not so nice women out there these day, verses many of us serious good men that are looking for a good woman to settle down with. Loneliness is certainly no fun at all for many of us for both men and women, especially with the holidays now.
Lisa, I realize that the church world promotes the concept that God can change people’s free will. As I mentioned this would be impossible since it would would entail God to go back on word regarding the gift of free will. Essentially “praying for a mate” is asking God to manipulate, override, or change someone’s free will. Of course if God did that he would be a liar. God can’t lie. That is why everything in the Bible points to free will. From Adam to Jesus and beyond.
Mark, You have to realize there are bad people everywhere, male and female. The reason for that is due to the God given gift of free will (see above post). As you realized from experience, God is not a matchmaker. The woman you enjoyed being with decided to have sex with someone else. She was exercising her God given right to free will and in this case breaking her vows.
Although currently single, I have had the pleasure of spending time with some of the most wonderful women on earth (just my biased opinion). There are some great women out there.
Christians have to come to realize that God indeed does not promise you a spouse; that if you want one, you cannot sit around your apartment praying that God give you one and then wait around because it’s just not going to happen. Finding a spouse is a pro-active business. If you have to print up business card with your pic and phone number and hand them out to every female you pass, do it. The Law of Averages says one of them will eventually give you a phone call. But if you haven’t learned by now that praying all day long and then waiting 40 years while nothing happens is reality, then you truly deserve to be single and alone.
Exactly Jack. God never promised anyone a mate. I realize 100% of the churches preach the lie that God is a matchmaker. It ain’t in the Bible. The reason the churches preach that lie is to separate the single people from their money.
First of all how about calling singleness for what it really is punishment. Calling singleness a gift is absurd. I have been single my whole life and all it has done for me is to make me bitter anf hard hearted.
Will, I’m sure you once bought into the lie that all of us raised evangelical did, that God will make everything nice for you once you “get saved,” and that this of necessity involves getting a perfect spouse handpicked just for you. The terrifying disillusionment that results is your real “punishment.”
For people constantly trying to outdo one another on being gung-ho about the Bible, it’s amazing how little their central doctrines have to do with what it actually says…
“For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by men; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.” –Jesus
The terrifying disillusionment is actually the realization that the doctrine of “God is a matchmaker” is a lie. There are no scriptures to support it. As we know God cannot override, change, or alter free will. Marriage is based on free will. Also judgement is based on decisions we make. Hence God cannot intervene on our decisions. If he did, there could not be judgement.
Everyone reading this must realize no church can survive without the false doctrine of a matchmaker God.
John, setting free will aside and the topic of this post aside, would you say in general that God can intervene in situations? Would you say that if you were praying for a particular outcome, that you can produce the outcome you are praying for? Would you say that he is omniscient and omnipotent to change the course of actions?
Sure. Here are some quick examples regarding the power of God (there are many more). I will post the exact scriptures on request.
As you might recall Jacob had to leave town and live with his uncle Laban. Laban was somewhat of a con artist. He told Jacob his wages would be spotted cattle born. Laban knew the large percentage of cattle born were brown so basically he believed he was giving Jacob very little. What happened? Well the majority of the calves born were spotted. Laban then said, “Change of plans, Jacob you get the brown.” Then the cattle bore brown.
So you see what is happening here. God could not change, alter, or override Laban’s freewill, so God intervened in the cattle color.
Let’s go with Jacob and Esau. Esau was trying to kill Jacob. Since God could not change, alter, or override Esau’s free will, Jacob had to leave town. Many years later Jacob knew he would cross his brother’s path. Jacob knew God could not alter, change, or override Esau’s free will so his prayer was, “Deliver me oh God.” In other words God cannot override, alter, or change freewill but, God can make a way of escape. This is the why Jacob prayed; “deliver me”.
John, I normally don’t comment on threads so old, so this will be my last comment. But your statement that God is not a matchmaker is troublesome. Basically, you’re saying that God can’t intervene or orchestrate events. You’re implying that God is not sovereign over events. You’re confusing our ability to make decisions with God’s ability to arrange events to answer prayers.
You seem to be convinced that God is hostage to our freewill and thus are creating this unhelpful and unnecessary dichotomy between our decisions and God’s activity. Does not the Holy Spirit work through our decision making process? Sure we can choose who we want but how does that negate God’s intervention from bringing about certain outcomes such that he can cause certain events to happen to bring people together? It’s not an either/or but a both/and. God works through our decision making process as we go about the course of our life. That’s what answered prayers are – God working something together. Doesn’t rob anyone of the decision making process. In that regard, he can match people together.
Here’s an article I did recently on the subject
http://theothoughts.com/2014/06/23/the-question-that-doesnt-matter-in-singleness/