Uncle, Lord!

Brothers, you are not alone. I too have experienced crushing emotional devastation, a profound sense of loss and abandonment, a desperate desire for vindication of my past and prayers that seem to go unanswered, made worse by being in a fish bowl watching others get blessed. Sometimes it is too much, I tell God. How ironic that we were just reading through Job for my OT History II class.

Yet through it all, the brokenness is needed lest we strive to accomplish kingdom pursuits in our strength instead of His. It is not easy. It hurts. And I am comforted that I am not alone although that’s not quite the consolation we are looking for.

I also look back over my life and count the ways that God has rescued me at just the right time, shifted circumstances in my favor and renewed my spirit. Through that and His everlasting promises I can say He is faithful and will be to His plan, not ours.

Martin Luther wrote about what it takes to be a theologian (not professionally but with regard to every Christian) using three Latin words: oratio (prayer based on God’s Word), meditatio (study/meditation of God’s Word), and tentatio (agonizing struggle or tribulation). It is this latter one that we often want to avoid, but can never avoid, nor can we choose what it will be or when it will occur. Luther also notes that God appears hidden from us in the midst of suffering. (See Ingvar Fløysvik’s book “When God Becomes My Enemy.”)

I had faced one issue as a parent for 30 years, pleading begging, giving up in despair that anything would bring about a change of heart. After 15 years, I even asked, “Lord, do whatever you have to in order to get our child’s attention.” I learned that we had better be prepared with a prayer like that. Little did I know we were only half way toward a resolution and the worst was ahead. Sadly, other Christians often offered advice that only made us feel even more isolated and alienated from them and from God.

Lord, you don’t make sense, nor do you seem to care! Yet through those very trials God was proving to be even closer than I sometimes wanted! Yes, the study of Scripture relates to the very experience we are currently enduring. When there is nothing else, there is God. Several passages became anchors for me: Isaiah 41:10, Lamentations 3:19-33, Romans 8:31-39, and especially the “agony Psalms” 79, 88, 137, etc. and Psalm 130.

Thanks for opening your heart, Michael. You have touched a spot that many of experience but few articulate.

Yes Michael, you have indeed “touched a spot”. It seems like when we become Christians, we are often sold a bill of goods that goes something like this, “Once you come to the Lord, all of your troubles will be over.” What an absolute lie that one is! I think the church as a whole has often lost sight of the fact that was taught in Acts 14:22, “through much tribulation we must enter the Kingdom.”

I know one thing for sure, through all of the quite intense stuff that I have been living through in different areas of life for the last few years, there is something that He has been showing me–and that is that with His strength I can do and endure a whole lot more than I ever thought I could. And that truly gives hope for the future and whatever else may come. It truly is in our weakness, that He shows us His strength. And from the vantage point of getting close to sixty, I have also learned through experience that He is indeed always there–even in the times when it may not seem like He is.

Just one more thought. The prayers of our brothers and sisters when we are going through hard times are invaluable. Let’s not forget to hold each other up before our merciful and all sufficient God!

go get things right with your wife. you need her. she needs you.

Christy, thanks, never thought of that! 😉

Michael, you are way more transparent than I could ever hope to be. I am encouraged and blessed to read that your struggle leads you closer to God when often my struggles lead me away. Soon, very soon, we will celebrate joyfully when we bow before our Savior.

Michael,

My heart breaks and aches for you. Brother, I will keep you and your family in prayer.

I, too, am struggling right now and just like John Brian said above, your transparency is humbling.

For the first time in my Christian life, I’m really struggling with my faith and I’m really relying on God’s promises to never leave nor forsake us. I’ve cried out to Him like I’ve never done before and I’m holding on for answers (some of which have come already).

Don’t lose heart, Michael. We need to stay in the race. The God we serve is not a God of confusion. Obviously, we are on the cusp of something big because clearly the enemy is trying to thwart the plan. Just as Michael fought demons trying to get to Daniel, it would appear the battle is raging the same way.

I am praying for you, Michael.

In Christ,

Joe.

Hey, at least you haven’t been ship wrecked and flogged. 😉

All kidding aside (because I’m sure it does feel like you’ve been shipwrecked and flogged!)…

I think it’s the enemy…especially last night. Why do you think it’s God? You are on the winning side and you are a commander – why wouldn’t enemy want to strike you, and strike often and hard?

Sayin’ a prayer right now!

Michael – Thanks brother for your openness here. I have been struggling myself for the past few weeks or so and feel completely in a rut; it hasn’t been like this before for me. Maybe just because I finally decided to move on His call and start seminary! I, too, cry Uncle! I need Him now more than ever, yet I seem to be pushing away more and more. My tendency is to start to rely more on myself; yet get more frustrated because of it as I spin my wheels going in all the wrong directions.

May God keep and restore you brother! The technical things in this world, while a blessing, can be a huge pain and distraction at times (especially when they aren’t working quite like we expect them to). I know, I’ve been in the IT industry for over 15 years now and know – there are Gremlins lurking around every corner!

Thanks again for being so transparent!

In the grand scheme of things this makes no difference, but i think so much stuff that you’ve been doing is beyond cool (and i’m incredibly picky) and will further the kingdom greatly.

Michael,

I attend Mariner’s Church in Irvine, CA and first “found” you because my husband and I took two of your theology classes there. I am a lifelong Christian but was seeking the deeper intellectual questions/answers. I absolutely loved your classes and it opened my eyes to a whole world of theology that I didn’t know existed. I was spiritually excited to see that there were Christians out there who believed in the fundamentals yet were not afraid to grapple with difficult “intellectual” questions. I had read several books that were more on the intellectual end, but it wasn’t until I took your classes at Mariner’s that I truly started to comprehend the scope of what there was to study, learn, and incorporate into my own faith. I searched you out online, having found you and your ministry to be such an inspiration, and ever since have been a follower of your blog. It has been a pure joy to read the topics you address, as so many are of direct interest to my questions/thoughts. Sometimes it feels like you can read my mind because you hit home so well for me with what you write about.

I have 7 month old twins who have caused me to not be up to date on the blog in a bit, but I noticed this post and wanted to reply. Even if you feel broken, even if you feel confused, even if you question what you are doing, I am just one example of someone you weren’t even aware of who has been impacted spiritually in incredible ways by what you have done. My husband and I lead a small group in our home and I’ve shared many times with them about concepts you’ve written on that have applied to what we are talking about that day. I’ve talked about things I’ve learned from your ministry with friends who don’t know God. You have planted many seeds in the world that you don’t even know about, so take heart that even when one thing doesn’t go well, God is using you in 100 other things. 🙂 It reminds me of a passage our pastor used this weekend:

Sow your seed in the morning,
and at evening let not your hands be idle,
for you do not know which will succeed,
whether this or that,
or whether both will do equally well.

Thank you for all of your work; I for one have been very impacted by it.

Micael, my pastor often says ” the christian life doesn’t get easier the older we get. If anything it gets harder.”

Man, I can definitely identify. I’m 48 and still feel as you do at times.

The encouraging thing is about every 5yrs or so I can look back over my life and see the Lord’s hand.

The discouraging thing is its a little harder to see any change in ME.

Recently I was listening to RC Sproul on his program “Renewing your mind” when he told of a time when preaching and feeling as though God was no where to be found.
Discourged and dejected , he went to the door to greet his parishiners as they left and he was shocked to hear word after word of encouragment and how God had used him that night.

His lesson: God is with us and at work even when it feels He is a million miles away.

I was very encouraged.

I never know what the right encouraging word to say to someone who knows Scripture and who prays regularly and who is going through a rough season in their life.

I wonder if there’s a tried-and-true formula.

Anyways, here’s my feeble attempt: “God loves you Michael! Especially during those times He’s building up your character.”

Pax.

Some years ago I was going through a very difficult time (it lasted years) and as I was telling a friend about it he asked “Do believe God is in control?” I said yes. (I did believe it, I just didn’t understand what was going on, why I was in this painful situation) He said, “Then hang on and enjoy the ride.”

Well, I don’t know that I ever reached the point of enjoying it, but now, years later, I see what God was doing and it has had a greater impact on my faith, life and ministry than anything else I can think of.

So I know how difficult it sounds, but hang on. Or better yet, just trust God to hang on to you.

Michael,
I do believe that you cannot begin to fix what you do not acknowledge.
Praise God, you are willing to acknowledge it all. I continue to be blessed and encouraged by your transparency. It’s a springboard for me to honestly examine myself, and truth be told, there are times when God gets on my nerves also.
After I get my frustrations out of my system, as you did, I take a deep breath and smile at God because I know He is still the One who loves me unconditionally.
As open as you are with the blog community, be even more so with your wife. Confess your shortcomings, whether temporary or long-term, to her. She already knows each and every one of them, however it would do a world of good for her to hear it from your mouth. She loves you, you need her. This is the “marathon”, not the sprint part of a marriage. You’ll be glad you endured. I can promise you that.
I remain blessed by your blogs and all that God is doing with, and in you. We your “audience” perhaps see much more of that than you do at times.
There is a purpose and a prize.
AMEN.

CMP,

I agree with Christy in #5. Sometimes when we are going through difficult times we want to isolate ourselves, and think we are the only one going through difficult things. We forget that everything we go through our loved ones do too. And, of course, you already know that from your experience with your sister’s death, and how your family has drawn inward, and away from you.

God put our mates there for a reason, to help us through the bad times as well as share the good. Sometimes we tend to take our frustrations out on them instead, because we can let it all hang out with them, and we lose the support we so desperately need from them because we put them on the defensive when we do that.

Been there, done that.

Level with her. Tell her how vulnerable you feel, and how much you need her support. And, I’m sure you’ll hear the same from her. Cling to one another, because no friend or no ministry can ever substitute for the life long support of a caring Christian mate.

God bless.

Michael, I can’t offer any advice, but I can offer you thanks. You may be spiritually broke, but your post telling about it was a rich gift to me.

I can’t help but let out a few tears at your description of your situation, partly for you, and partly for me at feeling the same way but not having the humility to admit it publicly. It’s heartening to know that someone whose relationship with and understanding of God I admire can be low, too; in a way I can neither understand nor articulate, it makes me feel like there’s hope for me, hanging on to God by my fingernails.

Thank you for your humility, your thoughts, your ministry, and your evident love and thirst for God.

You have a real poverty of spirit. You are exactly the kind of guy that Christ wants.

Huh? (Not too comforting – we want ‘the good life’) At least I do.

I know how you feel. The names have been changed but the situation is very similar.

Hang in there, Michael and know that “this too shall pass.”

In this world we will have trouble, but He has overcome the world (He said).

I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers, my friend.

Elegant and honest post. It’s healthy to come clean like this and admit our weaknesses. You know that. Thanks for being obedient.

Hello Michael

I read your post and my heart goes out to you. I am constantly amazed at hard (and effectively) you work. I do pray for you and your family.

Coincidently, I read a post today by Jon Bloom at Desiring God “What I learned in a Spiritual Storm”.

http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/1908_how_long_will_this_last/

I second the advice of Christy. I will continue in prayer for you.

Ron

I don’t have any profound thoughts to contribute. I don’t really know what it is to feel as you describe Michael. I think I’ve already said that I don’t feel much at all.

However I guess I would say that sometimes life sucks, sometimes it sucks a lot, and in the end He will wipe away every tear.

Michael, was Christy (#5) your Christy by any chance? If so, good!
As I read your comments I was brought to tears. One thing seemed pretty obvious to me. The enemy doesn’t like what you are doing…and he’s pulling out all the stops to attack you from all sides and defeat you. When we are being the most affective we can be for Christ…and for the advancement of the Gospel, we move to the top of the enemy’s hit-list.

Therefore….I need to pray for you. We all need to pray for your protection from Satan’s attacks…and for your encouragement.
Your reward WILL be great in heaven! Persevere.
AND….same to Lisa and Leslie….. and others here.

Natasha, great to read your testimony! My brother attended Mariners for some years. I know that he was concerned about the lack of theological training among leaders there (he has a masters from Talbot). He was involved in leadership among the singles. I guess your church was the one Michael mentioned…where the leadership was going to be going through Michael’s theological training course. How excellent! I would love to see this come into favor at our church in Long Beach.

Stay on the top of the enemy’s hit-list Michael! Three cheers for all that you are doing!!!

In Christ, Susan

Ooops….I always forget to login to comments check!

Susan, no, it was not my wife…lol. At least I think. She does not read the blog unless I am having her edit! (Which I always need!) But thanks to Dr. Mike who usually comes in a few hours after it is posted and edits for me.

My dad was in the hospital for 7 months and rehab. He finally came home in April and had three good weeks but passed away on a Sunday morning. I wanted him to have more time or at least 7 months of freedom out of the hospital.

My video production business has dried up and I live paycheck to paycheck. I still owe $30,000 in student loans and I’m 37 years old. I don’t know how I will ever pay that back and I’m almost 40.
I haven’t even finished my degree. I can’t finish at the school I attended because the tuition has skyrocketed to a ridiculous rate.
I drive a 1997 Nissan Altima with dog hair all over the seats.
I’ve been applying to other jobs but nothing after two years.
I’ve actually been told that I was overqualified for some of the jobs
I wanted.

I’m not married but have dated for several years and I don’t think it will turn into marriage because our political values are miles apart. I became a Christian at the age of 16 and felt a call to the ministry but I attended a Word of Faith church and my theology was screwed up. I attended a charismatic school, assemblies of God school and a Baptist school but it wasn’t until ten years ago that my theology became balanced and orthodox. My theology hasn’t really helped me in life. I feel like it’s trivia knowledge that
is good to know but doesn’t really pay the bills or help in my daily life. Our country is going down the tubes and has been for years so prayer in my personal life or the life of the church doesn’t seem
to have any impact. God seems to be saying to me, “talk to the hand!”. Lately I’ve been thinking, “what’s the point to any of this
BS!”.

I also have a weird skin condition that won’t let me wear shorts in the summer because my legs look like they have acne. When I was a kid, the Doctor told me it would clear up before I was an adult and it is better but I still refuse to wear shorts. I feel screwed out of being normal. I want clear skin so I can wear shorts and have tan legs and feel like a normal person in the summer. I feel like my life is passing me by and I’ve not accomplished anything but waste time on the wrong things and the
wrong people.

My two best friends growing up served the devil and lived for him
quite well. They are both married now to drop dead gorgeous
woman with beautiful kids. One friend is a minister and has a great influence and has a very charismatic personality. He finished his Masters in theology but still comes to me when he has
a tough question about the Bible or apologetics. I answer his question and then I don’t hear from him for another year. He didn’t even bother to call me when my dad passed away.

I want my dad back, I want to have a normal life, I want clear skin on my legs so I can wear shorts and go to the lake in the summer.
I wished instead of going to Bible college that I would have gone to film school. I wish God would answer at least one personal prayer before I die which I…

…hope is very soon so I can go be with my dad.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Michael, you have an editor? How do I get me one of those 😉

Dear Don,

Wear shorts! Lots of people with imperfect legs DO.
My daughter has Cerebral Palsy…and has had extensive surgery which has left deep scars down the back of her calves. For the past two summers she has refused to wear shorts, in fact, she wears a sweater or a jacket every day…even though it is July in Southern California. She hides behind her clothing because she is hyper-conscious of her ‘imperfect’ body. In summers past she got over this and was able to wear shorts and T-shirts. I wish she would now. We have no air conditioning….

And Don, I’m so sad to hear of your current grief! I would be a total basket case if either of my parents died….talk about feeling lost. I’m sure you are feeling engulfed with loneliness …and even despair, right now. I went through a lot of agonizing years of that in an extremely painful marriage…with NO end in sight. Twenty-one years, to be exact….until God’s Spirit came to convict my husband of his sin (he had always thought he was a Christian). My husband came to know Jesus as his Lord and Savior one year ago. God is working to transform his heart (and mine). I’m glad that I stuck it out through all that I went through…only by God’s grace. There were times when I was barely making it. My husband was the only enemy I’ve ever had in life…and I had to live with him. The pain I endured for all of those years, is more than anyone can understand unless they’ve experienced the same. I now can look back at who I used to be, and see how God used 21 painful, lonely years to refine me…to cut some of the distracting crap out of my life and hone me to His purposes for me. I’ve found that fulfilling His purposes for me gives me the greatest joy and satisfaction in life. I’m still easily distracted, but I know that God loves me in spite of this…and He loves you too, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. I hope that you will read the Psalms and let them be your lament before God…..as they were for David. Cry out to Him, Don. Don’t give up!
You will be in my prayers today.

Susan

Lately, I have experienced the following emotions and feelings.

1. I’m sick of church & fellow Christians and their corny jokes.
2. The Bible seems more like a World History book.
3. I’m Sick of reading Christian blogs & political blogs.
4. I’m tired of living in Texas.
5. Prayer makes no difference in my life or the life of the church.
6. I could go on but why depress you.

Duane, I totally know how you feel. In fact, I’ve felt that way before. For about ten years, frankly.

Here’s something to think about: Our salvation is not rooted in our emotions or our feelings. One of the things you could be experienceing is simply a dark night of the soul. A period of drought, that, well, sucks.

But this drought doesn’t change the fact of your salvation. We are saved through Christ and made alive through him. That’s a promise the Bible firmly, repeatedly makes. And it makes that promise so concrete so when our feelings and emotions overwhelms us–whether because of the world, flesh or the devil–the truth still stands.

My advice to you is lay yourself out before God and plead for his help. Ask what’s going on. And listen.

What you might hear is him say that the reason you’re in this drought is because of something he asked you to do a long time ago…but you ignored.

Make sure that’s not the case. Disobedience, no matter how subtle, will deaden our sense of God.

You are at a period of examining your faith. I have no doubt about that. Examining your faith is biblical. Paul says to test it, to see that we are in the faith.

I know this because I spent ten years feeling the way you do now. In the end what I discovered was that while I’d made a confession of faith way back when, I’d never surrendered my heart…

I exhibited all the typical religious paraphernalia on the outside. On the inside I was viciously against God.

Two books that helped me crawl out of this hole was MacArthur’s Hard to Believe. And also The Gospel According to Jesus.

Naturally I also made a my way through the New Testament. Duane, you can be sure of you salvation. You CAN have joy in God. But obedience is the key. Make sure you’re straight with him.

Know this: I share this not to discourage you but to encourage you to fight for your faith. I share this with you with immense love for you and your soul, brother. Hang in there. I want to rejoice with you one day.

When i said, “In the grand scheme of things this makes no difference,” i was referring to my opinion, not what you’re doing, if that wasn’t obvious by context. I’m trying to learn to communicate full thoughts in 140 characters or less and failing frequently. 🙂

Praying!

It broke my heart to read what you are going through. I know what it’s like to suffer.
Recently I heard John Piper talking about the enormous sufferings of John Calvin. We can be encouraged that our labor amidst the pain does make a difference. In any case, without pain, we will have nothing to compare our happiness to. For what then will we thank God?

mike, catching up on your blogs and dude, you always encourage me! i am amazed at all you’ve been through and are still facing, yet i see his light in you, even more brightly now – praise god! just need to pray more for you and the fam, cmp. got my word on that. i love what he’s doing through you-he’s encouraging so many through your efforts. fish and loaves in his hands. the old word is the new word….and it restores our souls! pray for me and i’ll pray for you! oh yeah, ou sux……had to bring you down a little. love you, bro! you are well-missed at the home depot on the prairie. peace of christ to you

In my world, I’m not allowed your kind of–wonderful!–authenticity. I ignore this problem, of course, because I’m a say-what-you-mean-and-mean-what-you-say-kinda guy. But, then I do have to live with the consequences of honesty:) Just to let you know you have another brother in Angst, here’s the exact e-mail I sent late last night to dear friend (and one of God’s true gifts to world):

“Thank you, Thank you, Lord for all the pain and frustration and confusion in my life, so that I can know such excruciating joy in Your presence! And thank you for the non-Christian friends in my life who too often put me and my Christian family to shame by their love!
Just had to praise Him…before someone who may have better access to His ear! 🙂
Love, Richard”

Perhaps, Michael, God puts you through such “stuff”, because He loves me more than you. After all, He did send me to this article today!
Thank you!
Richard

Michael,

thanks for this article. I’m new to ‘Pen and Parchment’ but am really enjoying poking around… I think these forums are a great service and the articles are always well written and well thought out.

I’m a lay person who was (at one time) ambitious to attend seminary. I’ve had a chance to browse some of the free theology video content online, and to engage with the intelligent and mature people who post here. I think my views on Christian Higher Ed. and on the theological issues of interpretation will have a chance to mature here.

Like others, I identify strongly with the content of this article and admire it’s candor.

Anyway, thanks and take care.