God is really starting to get on my nerves. I don’t know why he is so fascinated (addicted?) to weakness. Not his own, of course, but mine (and probably yours). This “when I am weak . . .” stuff is for the birds. Right?
Tonight we had our first session for the course Science and the Bible taught by Robert Bowman. This course was broadcast into the Credo House. It was our first big, formal, theological event. I was so excited when I saw the new people showing up. I gave them tours and then we sat down to listen to Rob teach online. But there were a few problems:
1. I could not get the sound to come over the speakers at the Credo House. (Skin warming up . . . small sweat breaks). I finally realize I had not turned up the volume. (Redness appears on the skin to join the wet brow).
2. Troll enters the online room and begins to cut-and-paste over and over very offensive statements that would cause marines to blush. We boot him out of the room but he comes back and repeats under a different name. All those at the Credo House see what is on the screen. (Ears begin to turn red and burn. Feelings of irresponsibility surface.) We finally ban him from the room.
3. Rob’s internet service is having problems. We cannot hear him because of a lag in his mic. (Thirty minutes into the class and we still have not started). Rob logs off and logs back on. No change. (Heart begins to break as feelings of incompetence arise). I sit and pray with the group and apologize for the difficulties. We get Rob a new account. He signs back on. Class goes wonderful from then on.
What is up with that Lord? Who’s team are you on? Is it not a good thing that we are doing? What good did these trivial obstacles do for the advancement of your kingdom? How long do I have to be in ministry before things start to go smoothly? Why do I feel as if you are my adversary sometimes?
I call “uncle” right now!
I have a confession to make. I am broke. No, not financially. Spiritually.
I have more confessions to make. Things don’t seem to be getting better. I feel as if everything is such a battle.
- My health has been bad for months.
- Kristie and I are not getting along . . . again! Sheesh, it has been twelve years. When am I going to grow up?
- I am continually begging for money for the ministry.
- I am completely unable to help my mother and her pain.
- I have been a grouch to my kids.
- My house has been on the market for almost two years!
- My sister is still dead and I still can’t do anything about it.
- My dad is broken but not seeking the Lord.
- I feel as if I let people down continually.
- It seems that I am wasting time failing at necessities that I am not qualified to do.
- My back keeps me guessing whether I am going to be able to walk (and I am only 36!).
- No matter how much I beg the Lord, the same sinful tendencies are leaches to my soul.
- And to top it all off, I forget to turn the volume up!
I am broke and I am in ministry. How does that make you feel?
But, know this: I am broken before the Lord. Cracked, bruised, and sometimes crying inside, I have the joy of insufficiency. I have the confidence of inadequacy. I have the hope of lacking in everything.
I suppose there is no better place to be. Broken before the Lord. Like a child in the womb of a mother, I am in his womb. No viability on my own. I have no reason to rise up before him and salute myself. He sees to that.
How much worse would it be if I had the ease that I waste my time and energy longing for? How much worse it would be were I to wave my white flag and life cease to fire. Would I stay at his side? Probably not.
Broke in ministry. I know I prayed for this, but I wish there was another way. “Knocked down but not destroyed” takes life when you say “Lord, I am yours.”
Lord break me . . . just not now. Uncle, Lord!