Dear God, What Good Do I Do For You When I’m So Broken?

Hi Michael,

I trust you have what we all need to maintain some semblance of spiritual sanity: good, wise, loyal friends who are not glib with their speech, but know when to share what is life-giving and offers fresh perspective (along with much listening!) that steadies us when we seem to only stumble.

This could have been written by myself today. Or any day recently. 🙁

I feel like this all the time, what’s worse is I feel like God is done with me.

My goodness, I have unwittingly stumbled into a present day Numbers Ch.11. Do you recall the terrible dog attack your wife experienced? Remember the initial surgeries and the follow-up treatments and surgeries and the many saints who graciously helped? Remember about a year or so later when you were experiencing financial hardships and again the saints stepped up to assist?
“My righteousness”: what are you talking about? Our righteousness is in Christ alone! Consider swapping places with a Chinese or North Korean Cristian for six months and your grumbling will cease and the daily praise and thanksgiving to Yahweh would quickly return.
Phil. 2:12-18

This is a beautifully written prayer to a wonderful and loving God. Sometimes people expect pastors/professors to be without sin. I could have written this prayer, though much less eloquently. Thank you for your honesty and may our God bless you and your family.

I hope that there is grace where you are,

SamLam

Thanks Michael. We do get into the habit of thinking what good we can do for God. In truth, he doesn’t need us in this matter and it may just be that in our broken state, we learn a deeper and more profound lesson that in our most broken state is when we surrender most to him in dependency, eventually witnessing what a loving and compassionate Father he is. Through this is when his Spirit may work through us and for us, rather than perhaps what I can do for him? We can never be took weak or broken for God, but we can be too strong and self-confident (2 Co 12:1-10). The extent of our humility in Christ is only matched by the degree of our dependency upon him which this is most precious to him than any good we may desire to do for God.

“And if you have the power, for your own sake, why don’t you withhold it from me?”

Am I being unusually obtuse – or ought this to be “And if you have the power, for your own sake, why DO you withhold it from me?”?

My problem is that I feel fearful all the time. As much as it speaks my reality, I couldn’t pray this pray because whenever I try to pray I feel like my brain’s on fire – no way I could concentrate long enough to get that prayer out – I can’t hold a thought in my head for 2 seconds – except my fears; those I think about all the time. I used to pray and feel peace; now I pray and feel only that I can’t pray – The saying goes ‘I can’t get a word in edge-wise’ – my problem with praying is I can’t get a word OUT edge-wise.

I do know that, really, the only thing God doesn’t want from us is silence so I’ll keep at it – when you’re floating miles from shore the only thing is to keep swimming

The overwhelming response in my mind as I silently read this is, “Him too? I’m really not the only one? For these are MY words, MY tears, MY failures, MY prayers.”

Sounds like the book of Lamentations. Sounds like many of the Psalms. Sounds like real life,
I have prayed this prayer.
But remember, the Psalmist prayed this prayer but begrudgingly says “ but you are my rock and my salvation”.
Suffering is real life and maybe the American Christian desire for no suffering is idolatry and the antithesis of where we are supposed to be with God.

Dear Michael,
As I read this, I worried for you again, but understand the empathetic purpose of this soul-bare post. I was first touched, then troubled, then worried, then when I stepped back and re-read it, it bemoans a person who seeks results from others and has hidden from them that he is just as human and needs God as much as they do. The “prayer” (a Job temper tantrum?) demands things that belong to God alone (His righteousness, His will, His manifestation of His work). We are vessels (some of beauty, some of menial use) used by the Lord God for His purposes alone, and where and when that takes place is by His design alone, not by our demand to feel worthy; Christ has shown we all are. Many people feel “forgotten” by God and turn to man for self-worth. When God is quiet in our lives, perhaps we are still moving (or stalled) on the course He has laid and we have not yet gained the full growth of this season. We need only continue to intimately praise, pray, listen, self-reflect and stay alert for the next work with which He crosses our path, whether brief or extended. Regardless, you ARE exactly smack dab in the middle of His plan for you. So stand, or better, kneel. Even Christ surrendered to unspeakable suffering in the Garden and on the Cross; David surrendered for years as a fugitive; and remember Paul, who God insisted on showing suffering for His sake. We are one body. The pain of your prayer isn’t lost on me, only the absence of the answer in Christ. God bless and keep you, Michael.

I often pray this myself. These words in an almost verbatim form have either come from my lips or my heart and mind as I lie in bed at night trying my best to contemplate Ps 3.5; 4.4,8 or whilst meditating on Ez 34, PS 23 & Jn 10. In all honesty though I find myself lying there in utter frustration of being alone often wondering how I see Jesus’ words rude and condescending in some aspects (not always of course) and at odds with posited views current or past on the sermon on the mount and various other subjects that isn’t the scope of this reply. Sure, we can say the imputed righteousness should be the confidence and security all day till the cows come home but yet, there is a righteousness you speak of that I concur with that we strive for which follows justification that even Paul mentions, “you are my crown” and this frustration I think is what you mean. It’s my frustration at least. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me. Now my prayer is more like, “keep me from becoming less cynical and less disallusioned…how do I find joy in your word that I had over two decades ago that now I see problems with it. Maybe I was naive.” How can I be so loving and merciful to others but loathe my very self? I do hope the restoration of the tetragrammaton on Jmac’s LSB will revive the praise of Yahweh in me as snippets of this reading have done thus far. If anything Michael, your ministry has helped me tremendously and the fruits thereof have benefited my wife and a few others I’ve pointed to as they began their journey. I’ve been in the ministry for twenty four years now in various aspects. Just know that your prayer is one that is shared by other brothers and I’m sure sisters in the faith in this journey.

This was a beautiful and honest prayer. Though I may have never prayed this way, those questions have passed my mind many times in the past 20 years. I have had a tough life in the past 20 years filled with intense suffering. I have been caring for my daughter who suffers from an intense mental illness. This has required many sacrifices in my life and has forced me to give up so much of what was important to me. However, I have come to know God in ways I never knew Him, because I had to rely on Him and His grace for every minute of every day in the past 20 years. He has rarely acted the way I expected Him to act, but looking back, I see how He has changed me and how He has brought me into such an intimate relationship with Him. He has shattered my pride and has shown me who He truly is and who I truly am. This is a blessed treasure that I probably could have not found in any other way.

Good Post

I am so glad for this honest prayer because I do this all the time & I always feel as I am such a lousy Christian for feeling the way I do. Thank you for being honest.

Why does no-one ever consider that the Lord deals with His people as a whole at times? We all suffer because the Lord’s church is in reproach and the Lord has turned His back to us as a group. Do we trust in Him anyway? End times are times of “hearts failing”, which is failure of courage, not physical hearts. The massive failure of courage around the world means we have to see multiple ads for suicide helplines every time the media covers anything remotely challenging, actually currently several times a day where I am in Australia. This began way before COVID. Here we are in one of the most disastrous times in history, and there is no great turning to God that I can see. The vaccines are the saviours of our day. The state of this world alone is enough to cause despair, add personal ill health or other difficulties and this is indeed a very difficult time for us all. If you care about people, as I do, to watch the masses suffer and then ignore God is intensely painful. I am grieving daily over many things.

Michael, I am sure we have all felt the same exact way. The unfortunate truth is that we are all self-centered, weak, often depressed, insecure fallen human beings. And from my perspective it is OK. Elijah felt exactly the same way. So did the lady Jesus made reference to, who put the last two cents she had in the offering plate. We are dirty rags Jesus has picked up to scrub and wash in His blood.

But often the problem begins with thinking God is there to attend to our every request. The fact is that we were created to serve God, not the other way around. So when we recognize our inadequacy, we come to God, under the shadow of Jesus and ask, “What do you want me to do?”

I don’t recall a time when I went to my boss and said, “Why haven’t you made me better?” But I did go to him and ask, in spite of my failures, mistakes, ignorance, offenses and inadequacies, “What do you want me to do now?”

I personally don’t want to ask God what He wants me to do, because I am lazy, selfish and only interested in my own comfort. Consequently, I approach God with excuses and obfuscations focused on my self-pity, just so He won’t tell me to do something. Moses said, I’m not a public speaker. Jonah was full of resentment. Job felt totally inadequate; a sinner.

But the key, as you say, is that God uses sinful men and women, broken vessels, simple, average every day people to accomplish His purpose. We weren’t made to be perfect vessels. We were made to be broken. We weren’t made to enjoy life. We were made for Jesus, so that Jesus could put an end to rebellion, idolatry, death, corruption, evil and establish perfection (righteousness) for all eternity.

Just like the angels, we were made to serve. And it is our brokenness that gives us value. Jesus didn’t come to save what doesn’t need saving. He came for the lost, the sick, the forsaken, the destitute, the broken. And He saved us to serve. Thank you Lord Jesus for saving such a wretch as me, broken, sinful, inadequate, pitiful. Lead me in the path you want me to walk, in spite of my inadequacies, failures, ignorance, stupidity, selfishness, sin. What will you have me to do? Show me how to focus on you, instead of myself. Prepare my way to accomplish your purpose and plan in my daily walk with you. May I, in my flawed, imperfect way, serve as an instrument of your grace to others. Reveal your plans and deepest thoughts to me, so I can serve you as you will. Fill me with your Spirit so He may empower me with Your Gifts to speak, preach, write, prophesy, speak in other languages (of men and angels), infuse me with love for others and a deep sense of their need for knowing you and their salvation, proclaim healing and salvation in Your Name.

Prepare me for the battle, even if I am not the best, most proficient and perfect soldier of Your Cross. Allow me to come to your feet with humility, repentance and praise. I am not a perfect vessel. But you are a perfect God. And you sustain all things for your Glory. For Yours is the Power and the Glory for ever and ever. Amen.

Thank you for sharing the thought, Michael.

Michael, I don’t know you personally but I have been a ‘quiet’ follower of your ministry pretty much since you started your ministry. I believe that most of us have, at one time another in our spiritual journeys, have had very difficult trials that we have had to deal with where we have had to cry out to God. We have all witnessed the trials that you have had in your life, in your family and in your ministry especially of late in your latter years of ministry. In each trial, I have witnessed how your followers have rallied around you in your difficult times by prayer and by monetary support. We have all witnessed how God has pulled you through each trial. I witnessed the answers to your prayers and how God had provided your needs in your times of trouble. This letter was quite different though from all others that you have written in the past and my response is going to be a harsh rebuke because this time you have openly sinned against God and charged HIM with everything that isn’t good in your life. This is just my opinion, but I think to air such a rant against God, especially when you call yourself a God fearing man who believes in Him, is such a disgrace to the believing and unbelieving community, especially if you say that you are a pastor. Even Job, in ALL of his calamity, he did not SIN or CHARGE God with WRONG doing (Job 1:22). But you have openly sinned and have charged God with a lot of things.
You charged God with being slow…why, because He is not responding by YOUR timetable?
You charged God by blaming Him that ‘HE PUSHED YOU to this point’? And then you CURSE Him?? And give Him a sarcastic disrespectful response to Him by saying, “Seriously”??
You charged God by saying that He doesn’t answer your prayers (in other words, the way YOU want Him to answer them). Perhaps He HAS answered you, but you have no ears to hear. You call God a liar.
You charged God by telling Him that He doesn’t give you strength when you need it. In other words you call him a liar. Because God does give strength to His people when they ask Him for it.
You charged God by telling Him that He is not with you. You called him a liar. He promises that He will never leave you or forsake you, and never has.
You charged God by telling Him that He doesn’t carry your burdens. You called him a liar. Ps 68: Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.”
You charged God by telling Him that He moves his eyes to and fro but He does not see your tears. Again, you call Him a liar. Ps 56:8 “You collect all our tears in Your bottle. He has recorded each one in His Book.”
You charged God by telling Him that He is the One that is making you think and act in unrighteous ways”. You call Him a liar for He is Holy and therefore cannot sin.
You charged God by blaming Him by telling Him, ‘Is there some reason you want me this way?’.
You accuse God by telling Him that He “loves to see His people fail, over and over?” This is blasphemous. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” —Jeremiah 29:11

Michael, you ask….
“What is wrong with what I asked for?” “Does it help your cause and contribute any glory?” “I hunger and thirst for righteousness—my righteousness. CHRIST RIGHTEOUSNESS” “Why do I continually have to live in a habit of sin? It hurts so bad. I just want to die.”. “And if you have the power, for your own sake, why do you withhold it from me?
Michael, It was nauseous to read all your complaints to God. Just looking at the few statements that you put in this letter, do you realize how many times you have put “I” or “me” in those statements? When have YOU become the center of your world? PSALM 18 19 says, “He rescued me, because He delighted in me.” Perhaps God has NOT rescued you because He is not delighting in you. You have become the center of your world; somewhere a long the way your eyes have become transfixed on yourself and on your circumstances and you have taken your eyes off of God. You ask and do not receive. Perhaps it is because you ask amiss, and whatever you ask for you ask wrongly, to spend it on ‘your passions/your ministry/yourself”. God does not need anyone of us for any of His glory. He does not need you or your ministry for any of His glory. God is not dependent on you or anything or anyone. He suffers NO lack of anything…He is the Great I AM. And who are you to charge God with anything? Who are you, O man, to even question God? If your life is demonstrating a pattern of unconfessed sin, perhaps this is why God does not hear your prayers. “If I regard wickedness in my heart, the Lord will not hear,”.

Maybe it is time to reevaluate your life and your ministry for the sake of the Gospel and for His glory. Have you ever considered the thought that God may NOT want to rescue you in this because He has better plans for you elsewhere? Maybe it is time to put aside your Credo House ministry and start refocusing on what God is truly calling you to do. If God has truly called you to be a pastor then it could be that this is what God wants from you.

These days millions of Christians pray and cry in this way before the heavenly throne of our Lord Jesus Christ.

For a while I thought you were paraphrasing one of David’s psalms.
It seems to me you’re doing a good job but I don’t know or interact with you personally.
Your prayer could be useful to me on too many occasions.
Special prayer for you today.

Gen 32 wasn’t just about Jacob, it was God showing us that He wants us to wrestle with Him, even have an intense struggle in our prayers. He wants us to stay engaged with Him, not to walk away saying He doesn’t care or isn’t able to help.

This life isn’t for God to serve us as a celestial butler but for Him to purify our character and establish righteousness for all eternity as Carlos said above.

Keep wrestling.

Michael, I truly relate to your honest prayer. A few quotes come to mind that are helpful reminders to me:

“Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.” ― Paul, the Apostle

“Do you mortify; do you make it your daily work; be always at it whilst you live; cease not a day from this work; be killing sin or it will be killing you.” “He can make the dry parched ground of my soul to become a pool and my thirsty barren heart as springs of water. Yes he can make this habitation of dragons this heart which is so full of abominable lusts and fiery temptations to be a place of bounty and fruitfulness unto Himself” “Set faith at work on Christ for the killing of thy sin. His blood is the great sovereign remedy for sin-sick souls. Live in this, and thou wilt die a conqueror; yea, thou wilt, through the good providence of God, live to see thy lust dead at thy feet.” ― John Owen

“And with these our hells and our heavens
So few inches apart
We must be awfully small
And not as strong as we think we are.” ― Rich Mullins

As someone who has now been in the mission field and living abroad for the past 12 years, this post really hits home as it’s a question I too often wrestle with. It would be so nice to be able to pick up the phone, dial God directly, and get a response to this question. Recently a co-worker posted a great video that I feel speaks some to this in that we are not in this alone. He has put others around us and “they” can be a real help to us when we find ourselves in such a place. As several others have eluded to, “community” with others when we are struggling is a key element in our restoration. Reaching out and pouring what we have been given but also being willing and open to that same process when we are in need. This is what we “our group” is referring to as “formative community” – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w02tjZf2ciI

Jesus, Job, David, suffering, unanswered prayers, nothing new… …
BUT God…

I think all of us that are willing to be honest, and have walked long with God, will experience a wilderness season in our faith. Where we fail and allow sin to creep in and take control for a while. As we grow closer to the cross were ever more aware of our own wretchedness in the light of God’s glory. Then we think God’s grace is no longer there for us. We have to run back to the foot of the cross continuously and seek his will each time we fall. Satan is the liar that was just to keep us trapped in our sin. To keep us from returning to God. To keep us hiding in our shame. We must repent and share our struggles so that there can be no darkness for them to hide in. Thanks for being open about your struggles I’m letting know we are not alone. Shalom

Yes, I have prayed a similar prayer.

Brother Mike,
Of course I am presuming that you have accepted God’s gift, if not, well you need not read further.

Given, you’re still reading, the remainder of this message is yours to do with as you please.

Mike,
God counsels, teaches, demands, provides, enriches, crowns, and dethrones all in accordance with His Will.
As a pastor you have chosen a path in life that is being torn apart each and every step that is taken.
It’s part of the job.
God tells us, “do not test the Lord thy God.” Not, “go ahead and test me, I know that I can live up to your expectations. ”
The first version is His Will, the second is yours or a human centered perspective.
Your measure of broken likely means that you still have reserves to burn because as humans we all like to leave ourselves an out, or a way to win on our terms.
God knows where rock bottom is for each and every soul that He has created.
I had the opportunity to visit Credo House a few times while I was on assignment in Oklahoma City a few years back.
I enjoyed the premise, appreciated the mannerisms, and give top marks for the coffee. I have always been simply founded in my faith, “God is,” nothing further is required.
Just as no good or evil exists bereft of a moral compass, God cannot exist as a contradiction unto Himself. That is the nearly impossible litmus that we humans try to use in determining how much or how little God is involved in our lives. We create the contradictions. We set rules for God to follow. We demand His attention and attentiveness. We determine our worth based on the failings we have defined and determined as failures.
He doesn’t put that on us, we grab hold of our missteps He doesn’t lord them over us. Pun intended.
The simple answer, God created this wondrous existence. This gift to us silly awkward animals.
He let us choose how to use, experience, and value our lives.
He left our meager facilities to decide how to embrace the undefinable and we all choose a slightly different depth to our faith expression in our lives.
As before, God is and that is sufficient.
Blessings
Dr. Kahn (Brother Pat)

This prayer comes from the the dark night of the soul, that place of trial where one is placed in a situation where God seems unfair and working against you. Pretty much the place where Job was, and many of the comments I read sound like the people trying to comfort Job. Ultimately there is no answer, God is God and that is what Job learns, I’ve been through it and thankfully He has brought me out (and I don’t ever want to be in that place again). I think God places you here because He wants to bring you closer to Him, as crazy as that sounds. This is a place of deep learning, where you share in the sufferings of God.

[…] Dear God, What Good Do I Do For You When I’m So Broken? – Credo House Ministries — Read on credohouse.org/blog/dear-god-what-good-do-i-do-for-your-when-im-so-broke […]

The comments/replies here from people who write as if they have all the answers and you and your writings are sinful or misguided leave me sad and speechless. Lord, have mercy.

I’m down to only 8,352 unread emails in my inbox (no exaggeration) and just now came across the email you sent with the link to this blog post. THIS IS ME! Thanks for writing it. I feel this way every day. Replace “pastor” with “missionary” and this is 100% completely ME.

I HATE this life, I HATE my anger, and I HATE me.

This sounds like a prayer I’ve recently prayed. Life has thrown some curve balls – everyday seems like another set back. It spiritually broke me….to the point I wanted to “cast-off this burden.” Being completely spiritually broken is a miserable place to be. Yes, I thirst.

I’ve missed the first couple of “Doubters” zoom meetings. Is it possible to watch them “On Demand?” I hope to tune in on Thursday! Thank you!

I could have written this. Could I please ask for your prayer? I am beyond broken and frightened. I fear that I will lose my very mind. Dear God, please deliver me for Your Name’s sake.