christianese

1. “Heads bowed, eyes closed . . .”: During a church service, you may hear a preacher abruptly break into this unexpected dialogue with the audience: “Heads bowed, eyes closed. If you have accepted Christ into your heart [more later], I want you to raise your hand.” Don’t get scared. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. It is not a fancy way to steal your money or pull anything sneaky. It is the preacher’s way of helping the uncomfortable seeker feel more at ease about accepting Christ. It is best if you just follow instructions here.

2. “Into the Word”: This is a portion of an important phrase that may be communicated by seasoned Christians in many different contexts. It always has reference to the Bible. Yes, I know, the Bible is more than one word, in fact it is thousands, but once you are a Christian, it becomes singular and has a definite article, “the,” attached to it. If you hear someone say, “Are you in the Word?,” this is another way of saying, “You need to read the Bible if you are going to be spiritual like me.” IMPORTANT: This has no relation to the phrases, “Word to your mother,” “Word up,” or just plain “Word.”

3. Backslidden: This has no reference to the past event of sliding down a hill on your back. It is used to refer to those Christians who are now suspect in their original confession due to their current participation in a particular sin.

4. “Ask Jesus into your heart”: Although there is nowhere in Scripture that people are commanded to ask Jesus into their heart, this has become the primary means by which Evangelicals believe a person becomes a Christian. Don’t be scared here. Heart surgery, high cholesterol, and cardiovascular exercise (or lack thereof) have no bearing on Christ’s presence in your heart. He does not actually live there.

5. Soul Winning: Please understand, this  is not a game. It is the act whereby one person tells another about Christ and the person believes, thereby having their souls “saved” (i.e. “won”). I know that normally if there are winners, you would think there are losers, but not in Soul Winning. Everyone wins in this game (except the lost).

6. “I see that hand . . .”: This is related to #1. The pastor has just asked for raised hands while everyone’s heads are bowed and eyes closed. “I see that hand” can mean one of two things: 1) Someone is indicating that they have accepted Jesus by raising their hand. 2) The pastor is acting like someone has to be more heroic and finance the new building. VERY IMPORTANT: Avoid any temptation to look for the hand when the pastor says “I see that hand.” Although science is inconclusive, we are not sure if you looking for the hand raised has any bearing on the effectiveness of the salvation process. It is best to be safe and avoid giving in to this temptation. To be very spiritual, just thank the Lord for that person and pray that they become a Calvinist.

7. Contemporary Christian Music: Avoid at all costs. Yes, many of your Christian friends will act as if they like it. Musicians, sociologists, and psychologists are perplexed as to the reasons why. We believe it is due to the pressured environment of the Christian community for Christians to do all things Christian, but this has no bearing on your salvation. Please, don’t feel pressure to like it.

8. Christian Movies: See “Contemporary Christian Music.”

9. Baptism: The spiritual act of going under water. Yeah, I know, most people don’t understand it, but you must do it anyway. Oh, also, someone else has to push, drop, or lower you; otherwise, it is ineffective.

10. “Blessed”: This word must take the place of many words, but the most important replacement is with the word “luck.” Super-spiritual Christians (SSC) will often be offended and pugnaciously correct you if you ever say, “Good luck.” Even if you are just using it as a casual phrase with the best of intentions, the SSC will see it as an opportunity to correct you and show you how Christian they are compared to you by saying “I don’t believe in luck, only God’s blessings.” When you have someone correct you, its best to just act as if you have learned something and then be on your way.

11. The Water that Jesus Turned into Wine was Diluted to a Watery Grape juice: Although there is no biblical, historic, or cultural evidence to suggest it, you must believe that Christ did not turn the water into wine, but into watery grape juice. This is a cardinal doctrine.

12. Lord’s Table (Baptist): It goes by many other names, but this represents the time when you eat a really small cracker and a small cup of grape juice and afterwords are more spiritual because of it. Think mystery. It is very important to know that this is not the church providing lunch. As well, those who are on the Atkins diet cannot become Christian because of the high carbs in both the juice and cracker.

For Baptists: don’t be surprised if the cracker, due to its small size, gets lost in your mouth after one slight chew. Unswallowed, it may be lost between your teeth for the rest of the day. While this might seem sinful, it is acceptable for all but Catholics who believe that Christ himself is stuck in your mouth.

Lord’s Table (Presbyterian/Anglican/Methodist/Catholic): Free booze.

13. Public Prayer: You will often find yourself in a situation where others are praying and you don’t know what to do. As a general rule, you should remain quiet and attempt to pray with them. If your mind drifts just try to make a quiet, yet slightly audible, sounds like “um” (not “ummmm”), “yes Lord,” and “amen.” They may be completely out of context, but you will still be better off. This is very well accepted.

14. God D*%n: The only phrase that you can use that will immediately let others know that you are not a Christian and the only exception to the once-saved-always-saved doctrine (despite the fact that it is not really taking God’s name in vain).

15. “Jesus”: This is an acceptable answer to pretty much every question in the Christian community. For example: Who is God? Jesus. Why are you alive? Jesus. Why are we here? Jesus. What website were you looking at? Jesus. What did you learn about today? Jesus. What is your favorite music? Jesus. What book are you reading? Jesus. Why don’t you want to go to _________ with me? Jesus. What planet is that? Jesus. It always works.

16. “Jesus!”: Bad word, see # 14.

17. Rush Limbaugh: This is the only person in existence who has not asked Jesus into their heart but is nonetheless going to heaven.

18. Raising hands during worship: Be very careful with this. The first thing you need to know is that this is not the way to ask a question during church service, but a way to worship. Churches are not in agreement about its validity. Some churches allow the “Full throttle” (raising hands above your head either with hands spread or index finger pointed), but some places only allow the “Governor” (hands raised to chest high position). Some churches will see any extension of hands as a sign of self-promotion and you will be asked to leave. The best approach is to ask the usher while being seated.

19. Quiet time: Please note, this has no relation to “time out.” In fact, it could be just the opposite. All Christians are expected to have “quiet time.” It is at this time that you renew your relationship to God through prayer and Bible study. The longer the better. If you do this first thing in the morning, people will count you blessed.

20. The gentle hand squeeze at the end of a prayer: While this is not a phrase or word that you need to know, it is a practice that might get you caught off guard if you are not aware of implications. It will come at the end of a prayer in which hands are being held. It is a gentle squeeze as the prayer says “amen” or immediately after it. Either is acceptable. It means, in essence, “I love you and we are in this together. So hang in there and call on me if you ever need anything.”

21. Short-term Missions: Short-term missions are a part of the Christian’s life. Please note that if you go on a short-term mission, there is a universal pattern of experience. 1) Fear: Going to another country is frightening. 2) Excitement: The Lord has personally arranged for this trip and has someone for you to meet. 3) Shock: this is the initial disturbance that Americans have to the poverty and needs of the visited area. 4) Attachment: this represents the love that you have for the people and places you have gone along with the desire to remain. 5) Mourning: this is the time when you have to leave. Expect a lot of wailing and crying. 6) Telling: this is where you fruitlessly try to explain everything that happened and every emotion you felt to everyone you meet. 7) Judging: This is where you look down upon everyone for being so materialistic and not being passionate about the needs of the poor. 8) Adjustment: this happens two weeks after the mission trip and represents the return of self-pity because your neighbor just got a new car and yours has nearly 50,000 miles on it.

22. “Lord, we just pray that…” This phrase should be uttered at least twenty different times throughout a public prayer. It is to show the simplicity of your requests and the humble mood in which they are asked by supplying the key word “just.” Variances such as “We just ask…,” “Lord, we just…,” “Lord we just come before you” or just “just” are also acceptable. As long as it has the word “just” in it, you should be good.

23. “Lord,” “Lord God,” “God,” and “Father God” references in prayer: This is related to the previous, but an important addition to  your understanding of public prayer. While praying, Christians will continually repeat God’s name so as to remind you and themselves to whom they are praying. Therefore, do not be surprised to hear “Lord,” “Lord God,” “Father,” or its popular variation, “Father God” at the beginning of every sentence. It sometimes will even occur multiple times in the same sentence such as the following: “Lord God, we just pray that you will be with us God during our trip God.” Pretty much, the more you say a variation of God’s name, the more spiritual you are.

24. “Hedge of protection”: This is the way to pray for the protection of a loved one. Its the primary Christian defense against demonic forces. No one really knows what a “hedge of protection” is, but everyone knows that Satan does not fair well when its presence is evoked.

25. “Pot Lucks”: Although this may be confusing considering #10, this is the one time in which Christians believe in “luck.” These are Sunday night “fellowship” dinners where everyone brings their favorite dish. Various movements within contemporary Christian history have attempted to change the name of this to “Pot blessed” with no luck. Not only has the designation “luck” been challenged, but many objections have been raised to the use of the word “pot” due to the muchies that are involved.

26. Prayer walks: These serve a double purpose. 1) They help to work off the “pot luck” and 2) they keep Christians awake during prayer. They also have been known to have a geographically positioned spiritual effect upon the tracked area.

27. “Post-Sermon Prayer”: This comes at the end of a sermon or lesson. While this is normally referred to as simply a prayer, it has a life of its own, serving primarily as an extended summary of the sermon you just heard, sometimes with additional points or applications the preacher didn’t think of during preparation.

28. “Worship”: Singing

29. “Amen”: The way to give a sense of approval to the pastor concerning his teaching. It is another way of saying, “I already agree with what you are preaching, therefore it is approved. Preach on.” Preachers who do not receive “amens” during their sermon begin to question their calling, so use them liberally.

30. “Anti-Christ”: Obama

31. “Fall Festival”: Halloween

32. Vacation Bible School: Free summertime babysitting for parents.

33. Fish symbols on the back of your car: Hard core evangelism.

34. Glen Beck: The only Mormon who is getting a special dispensation to go to heaven.

35.If it be God’s Will”: A spiritual sounding addition to prayer. It indicates that you don’t really think God is going to answer your prayer. Use this phrase a lot, it’ll save you a lot of disappointment.

36. Rebaptism: “This time I really mean it.”

37. Beer. Depending on where you live, beer is either representative of your freedom in Christ and solidarity with Martin Luther or your identification of your reservation in hell. So be careful.

38. Home Schooling. Publicly: Better education. Privately: The Christian fathers’ attempt to instill an anti-social behavior within their daughters in hopes that they will never meet anyone of the male species.

39. “God bless them”: A free ticket to gossip. Just add this to the end of any sentence when gossiping and the sin of gossip is immediately neutralized. Some examples: “Did you know that the Thompson’s may be getting a divorce, God bless them.” Or, “I think Katie is sleeping around, God bless her.”

40. “I’ll pray for you”: Translation: “You suck and need help.”

Your turn. Please aid those who are lost in Christianese

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C Michael Patton
C Michael Patton

C. Michael Patton is the primary contributor to the Parchment and Pen/Credo House Blog. He has been in ministry for nearly twenty years as a pastor, author, speaker, and blogger. Th.M. Dallas Theological Seminary (2001), president of Credo House Ministries and Credo Courses, author of Now that I'm a Christian (Crossway, 2014) Increase My Faith (Credo House, 2011), and The Theology Program (Reclaiming the Mind Ministries, 2001-2006), host of Theology Unplugged, and primary blogger here at Parchment and Pen. But, most importantly, husband to a beautiful wife and father to four awesome children. Michael is available for speaking engagements. He can be contacted at [email protected]

    24 replies to "Learning to Speak Like a Christian: 40 Examples of Christianese"

    • david carlson (@IpseDixit)

      ever so awesome. Especially #17 and #32

    • Stephen

      what about “love on”?

    • Stan

      Seriously, this was lots of fun. I’ve wanted to do something like it myself.

      Let’s not forget “injesusnameamen” (which appears to be one word most of the time). I believe it is supposed to be a magic incantation that makes your prayers come true. Whether that is fact or not, if you do NOT follow your prayer with this suffix, you will NOT get what you prayed for. We KNOW that.

    • Stacy

      This made my day. What happens to those of us who count how many “just”s the one praying uses in one prayer? Bad things, I am sure!

    • Janet

      Very funny, I enjoyed reading those. I’m English but I can assure you they pretty much all exist over here too, in much the same form.

      A couple more from my experience:

      “Speaking into”, as in “What is God speaking into this?”, said to anyone in a distressing situation. Often used with the phrase come alongside and a quotation from Job, the Sermon on the Mount, or one of David’s more depressed Psalms. Used to convey the speaker’s Christian superiority by looking beyond the immediate practical need for a spiritual lesson.

      By any preacher, the use of a word such as hermeneutics, exegesis, Christology, or anything in Greek (note that if you’re into oneupmanship this can be trumped by asking about something in Aramaic after the sermon). This proves that the speaker is so far above the general run of everyday Christians that they are practically on a waiting list for a firey chariot and nothing they say may be questioned.

    • Ralph Dave Westfall

      A lot of this was quite apropos, not to mention pretty funny. I saw a number of my pet peeves in it.

      On the other hand, too many items and maybe an overdose of sarcasm? Is making this much fun of people constructive? Is it the best way to achieve positive results?

      “No one really knows what a ‘hedge of protection’ is, but everyone knows that Satan does not *fair* well when its presence is evoked.”

      Although retired now, after all those years of teaching, I can’t help but see typos the spellchecker missed. The verb is “fare.” Picky, yes, but I’m 71 years old so I get a free pass.

      Be blessed (#10).

    • anita

      Ha ha ha. So true. I never thought about we Christians having lots of Pot Luck, but no Good Luck.
      Are we allowed to view Lady Luck comics? I must know. Can we eat Lucky Charms cereal? And still be saved, I mean…..

    • david

      I. Sowing a seed 2. I bind this or that 3. I call it done. I claim ( this or that). I declare that…

    • Janet S

      I loved this, laughed out loud not a few times. I’m in the UK but I can assure you we have most of those over here in much the same form. A couple more from my own experience:

      “Speaking into” as in “What is God speaking into this?”. Used to anyone in a dire situation to prove the speaker’s spiritual superiority in first seeking lessons from God through suffering, rather than giving the person concerned a nice cup of tea and a shoulder to cry on which is what they actually wanted. Often used in conjunction with the phrase “coming alongside” and a text from Job, the Beatitudes, or one of David’s more depressed Psalms; the exceptionally insensitive may add the offer of a nice Footprints bookmark.

      The use during a sermon by a preacher (always male, usually visiting) of any word such as “hermeneutics”, “exegesis”, “eschatological”, “Christology”, etc etc; multiple quotations from any 19th Century German theologian(s); or giving his text in New Testament Greek (note for anyone into one upmanship*: you may be able to trump the last one after the service by asking about something in Old Testament Aramaic, but be careful, this gambit can easily backfire because he might actually know). This proves that the preacher is far more educated and therefore more Christian than any of his hearers, and his conclusions may not be questioned, however incomprehensible or theologically dubious.

      Warning that should be attached to no. 18: if you’re in a Pentecostal church, hand raising and waving during worship is the absolute minimum requirement; dancing in place is better, dancing down the aisle is better still. Don’t forget to spontaneously hug or at least touch (lay hands on) everyone in reach. If it helps, imagine that you’re in an acid house rave without the acid (or the rave, see no. 7). If you’re noticed being still, it’s best to immediately close your eyes, assume a rapturously beatific expression and shout about being transported in the Lord. If you can do that in tongues, you’re fixed for life. (Disclaimer: I love my Pentecostal friends dearly, but I’m getting old and can’t do unlimited exuberance for 3 hours at a stretch any more.)

      One upmanship for no. 35: use Deo volente instead, you’ll sound clever as well as spiritual while still hedging your bets.

      * http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-upmanship

    • cherylu

      The Lord’s table as spoken of in Scripture:

      I Corinthians 11:23-29

      ” 23 For I received from the Lord what I also delivered to you, that the Lord Jesus on the night when he was betrayed took bread, 24 and when he had given thanks, he broke it, and said, “This is my body which is for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” 25 In the same way also he took the cup, after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me.” 26 For as often as you eat this bread and drink the cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes.
      27 Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty concerning the body and blood of the Lord. 28 Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. 29 For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself.”

      The Lord’s table as spoken of in Michael’s post:

      12. ” Lord’s Table (Baptist): It goes by many other names, but this represents the time when you eat a really small cracker and a small cup of grape juice and afterwords are more spiritual because of it. Think mystery. It is very important to know that this is not the church providing lunch. As well, those who are on the Atkins diet cannot become Christian because of the high carbs in both the juice and cracker.

      For Baptists: don’t be surprised if the cracker, due to its small size, gets lost in your mouth after one slight chew. Unswallowed, it may be lost between your teeth for the rest of the day. While this might seem sinful, it is acceptable for all but Catholics who believe that Christ himself is stuck in your mouth.

      Lord’s Table (Presbyterian/Anglican/Methodist/Catholic): Free booze.”

      Call me a kill joy if you like folks, but how is it that as a church we have come to the place where we can joke in such a way about something Jesus Himself instituted as a remembrance of His death for us? How can we possibly joke about something given to us by our Lord Himself to remember that horrific price He paid and in some mysterious way participate in it’s benefits for us? I am frankly appalled to find that parts of the church are in such a place as this.

    • Cherylu

      The Lord’s table as spoken of in Scripture:

      I Corinthians 11:23-29

      ” 23 For I received from the Lord what I also delivered to you, that the Lord Jesus on the night when he was betrayed took bread, 24 and when he had given thanks, he broke it, and said, “This is my body which is for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” 25 In the same way also he took the cup, after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me.” 26 For as often as you eat this bread and drink the cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes.
      27 Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty concerning the body and blood of the Lord. 28 Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. 29 For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself.”

      The Lord’s table as spoken of by Michael in his post:

      12. ” Lord’s Table (Baptist): It goes by many other names, but this represents the time when you eat a really small cracker and a small cup of grape juice and afterwords are more spiritual because of it. Think mystery. It is very important to know that this is not the church providing lunch. As well, those who are on the Atkins diet cannot become Christian because of the high carbs in both the juice and cracker.

      For Baptists: don’t be surprised if the cracker, due to its small size, gets lost in your mouth after one slight chew. Unswallowed, it may be lost between your teeth for the rest of the day. While this might seem sinful, it is acceptable for all but Catholics who believe that Christ himself is stuck in your mouth.

      Lord’s Table (Presbyterian/Anglican/Methodist/Catholic): Free booze.”

      Call me a kill joy if you like folks, but how is it that as a church we have come to the place where we can joke in such a way about something Jesus Himself instituted as a remembrance of His death for us? How can we possibly joke about something given to us by our Lord Himself to remember that horrific price He paid and in some mysterious way participate in it’s benefits for us? I am frankly appalled to find that parts of the church are in such a place as this.

    • cherylu

      (I hope this does not end up posting here several times. I tried to post twice yesterday with some variations and it just seemed to disappear. It did not say it went to moderation or anything. Just vanished.)

      The Lord’s table as spoken of in Scripture:

      I Corinthians 11:23-29

      23 For I received from the Lord what I also delivered to you, that the Lord Jesus on the night when he was betrayed took bread, 24 and when he had given thanks, he broke it, and said, “This is my body which is for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” 25 In the same way also he took the cup, after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me.” 26 For as often as you eat this bread and drink the cup, you proclaim the Lord’s death until he comes.

      27 Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty concerning the body and blood of the Lord. 28 Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. 29 For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself.

      The Lord’s table as spoken of in Michael’s post:

      12. Lord’s Table (Baptist): It goes by many other names, but this represents the time when you eat a really small cracker and a small cup of grape juice and afterwords are more spiritual because of it. Think mystery. It is very important to know that this is not the church providing lunch. As well, those who are on the Atkins diet cannot become Christian because of the high carbs in both the juice and cracker.

      For Baptists: don’t be surprised if the cracker, due to its small size, gets lost in your mouth after one slight chew. Unswallowed, it may be lost between your teeth for the rest of the day. While this might seem sinful, it is acceptable for all but Catholics who believe that Christ himself is stuck in your mouth.

      Lord’s Table (Presbyterian/Anglican/Methodist/Catholic): Free booze.

      Call me a kill joy if you like folks, but how is it that as a church we have come to the place where we can joke is such a way about something Jesus Himself instituted as a remembrance of His death for us? How can we possibly joke in a light hearted manor about something given to us by our Lord Himself to remember the horrific price He paid for our sins and in some mysterious way participate in it’s benefits for us? I find this type of joking very inappropriate and quite appalling.

      • William

        I’ll call you a kill joy.
        Kill joy.

    • Margaret

      Calvinism
      4. “Ask Jesus into your heart”: Although there is nowhere in Scripture that people are commanded to ask Jesus into their heart, this has become the primary means by which Evangelicals believe a person becomes a Christian. Don’t be scared here. Heart surgery, high cholesterol, and cardiovascular exercise (or lack thereof) have no bearing on Christ’s presence in your heart. He does not actually live there

    • Scott_Y

      “Traveling mercies.”

    • Sara

      Thanks. As a Lutheran, so high church I suppose, I don’t even understand most of these. Thanks for the insight.

    • Braden

      Rush Limbaugh was the best one on the list; as conservatives often worship at his footstool and claim he is all knowing. When in reality, he makes absurd comments on national radio and sells tea just to make a few bucks.

    • Ellen

      25. Pot Providence!

    • Ken

      From a UK perspective:

      British Baptists used to pray when someone was ‘laid aside on a bed of sickness’ that ‘the Lord would undertake’.

      ‘Time of worship’ has come to have the meaning four songs in a row with the piano player skillfully improvising a seemless transition from one song to the next.

      ‘As quiet as a Baptist prayer meeting’ – need I comment!

      Decently and in order: nothing remotely supernatural is expected to occur.

      Demons are more likely to come out if you shout at them using an American accent.

    • Nikole

      My favorite is the comment about contemporary Christian music. There was a necessarily satirical vibe to many of these points…but this one is spot on and something with which I passionately agree…no satire needed to get point across. I personally feel offended when hip worship bands take their rightful spots on stage under their carefully chosen mood lighting and proceed to belt out uninspired music notes and poorly written songs with the explicit intent of evoking superficial emotional responses. I love good music and am occasionally moved by some contemporary music, but most of it is an assault to my senses…spiritual, physical, intellectual…add the “Jesus is super cool” vibe to the mix and you have an environment to scare off any “authentic” person out there. Even my young kids get what is going on during “worship”

    • Sonia

      The phrase ‘anointed man of God’ in my mind, a shiny suited pastor with ulterior motives

    • me

      This list is incomplete without “on fire for the Lord”, a phrase I passionately dislike.

    • Jan

      Here is one that you may not have heard of that just press all my wrong buttons. When asked how one is, they respond with “I’m blessed and highly favored” Yeah! says who? and one friend always pray about everything. Not that I don’t believe in prayer, but “I don’t know what bathroom tissue to buy, I think I’ll pray about it.

    • Gregory Anderson

      Ingenious aims a man… what. what about the aims or the man? I’ve heard that so many times. Just like my hope for clarity about who is this person Richard Stands and why do we pledge allegiance to the Republic for him?

      I’m so confused.

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